Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Where I'm meant to be

Despite the fact that I want to travel and have always dreamt of seeing parts of the world, England is my country and my home. I love her with an old fashioned patriotic feeling. I have always wanted to be out of the city, I wasn't supposed to have been born caged in by lifeless grey blocks, I was supposed to be surrounded by colour, green mostly. The thing is, anyone who I love is here...My three closest brothers and their families live in my parents street, I live in this street, Darcy is local so is Brett, when they settle into their own homes will it be far away? I don't imagine so...Greg and Stacey are just up the road, what would it do to our relationship if I were to fly off somewhere at a distance? Do I really want to risk finding out? I want to continue to feature in my nieces lives, I want to watch Katelyn and Romany become young women and I want them to go on loving me.

I see myself in my mind as an older person, marks and spencers fashionable jacket and my hair either long and bundled up or chopped short once again like Julie Andrews in 'The Princess Diaries.' I see my green door and my garden and vegetable patch, I picture my kitchen smelling of baking ready for the next guest that arrives, because I would always have guests. The girls, older would come round in the summer, or even older they would bring their partners and have sunday dinners regularly. My brothers and their wives coming occasionally too for tea and gossip and my annual dinner parties, buffet get-to-gethers and BBQ's as once upon a time when I was little and all my brothers has left home, I sat alone in my room quite often and my mother said that in the future it would be my duty to keep the family together, that I must always be the navigational point where we can all gather. I fully intend to fullfil that role. Of course I'd have children too, there will be a mighty age gap between my offspring and that of my brothers, so perhaps Romany or Brook will child mind for me when I go on date nights with my husband (Heaven have hope lol).

Now all this is circumstantial, would any of this occur if I lived an hours car drive away? Probably not. I have a perhaps tainted view of where I currently live; that it is a dog hole. Then again, just a few streets away there are some fairly decent looking houses, quieter roads...can I settle here? What am I willing to sacrifice for a pretty view? My mother never see's her only brother, they're not on bad terms, it's just that the distance between them means neither bothers with the other, that's awful. If that happened to me and Gregory in the future I'd resent my life. I am giving all this some very serious thought lately as I only have a year left at Uni, then my life will need to settle on a path and follow it out. I always saw myself alone on this road, I didn't take anyone else into account, I just saw me, Miss Siviter moving away, painting a house, digging the garden, starting a career, I didn't think I might have someone with me, or that I should look into what I would be leaving behind. I really have got some confusing thoughts right now. One thing I do know...I will always be me no matter where I am, and Grace will follow me anywhere, and Jim shall always find his way back to Grace.

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