Saturday, 15 June 2013

fighting through but worn down

Giving up seems like such an easy option. Especially when you're nursing warm tears and a brutal headache. It's not just an establishments comments and numbers that make parts of you crash down, it's that feeling of loss. Does it make sense that I am yet to feel like I am where I'm meant to be? In twenty years I've not found that peaceful feeling of being in the right place. I grew up reading about so much adventure, I craved to be the person I felt I wasn't given the chance to I wrote it down on paper. I turned a blank notebook into a world that would give me everything I asked of it. I held lives and souls in my hands. In my notebook I am God. I thought by now I'd find an ideal in reality, but no, not yet.

Every turn I've ever faced I felt like there was a guard I had to fight past while holding no sword, a river I had to cross when I can't swim, everything is a struggle and push and shove. I always hold back, uncertainty features a lot inside my head, I've never done anything lightly. I always hesitate and toss and turn before making a decision. Getting into university was a fluke, I didn't get the amount of points I needed, but for some odd reason they let me in anyway, no clearance or waiting list, a total fluke. Intelligence and knowledge are two different things someone told me, I'm not very intelligent, I don't hold onto knowledge that doesn't interest me, but there are three things I have; Creativity, Imagination and Determination. I've never claimed to have anything else, surely people have worked themselves up with less.

My head is throbbing and I'm lost. I should have been a gardener. I've never been keen on numbers, they make no sense to me. Being a digit in a system, a number of grades on a page means nothing. My soul is untouchable my heart is not. There's a constant question running through my mind all the time: What am I working towards? How long before I get there? I this the right path?
I'm a wiccan. I live my life by feelings and senses, if this was right I'd know for sure. This doubt is a sign but it's too late to turn back now. Any other path is too risky for someone like me, it amounts to the same thing each time, a lack of money. I have to follow the path I can afford, I can't stray now. If I fail, if I do badly where will I go from there? If the next envelope is anything like this one I had better come up with a plan and fast.

half of this probably doesn't make sense to a reader, I'm just typing thoughts as they come while Con Air in all it's fire and brilliance is playing in the back ground. I've been utterly crushed today, I'm not a crier, I'm not a weak person that breaks down and I don't often let things get the better of me, I'm stronger than that, but this meant more to me than I let on. Sometimes I just wish the road was more clear for me, instead I have to fight and push and I'm getting wary of it. Since I was fifteen I've followed one goal and been set on that target and I'm almost at the end for it to now be flickering out in the wind. I've sat in this house for twenty years, I've written almost every word behind these walls, I'm beginning to feel extremely suffocated. All the hopes, and work and effort are sucking the little life thats left here for me, I'm suffocating and I'm still fighting my way through I'm yet to have anything to show for it.

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