Friday, 21 June 2013

SAS who dares wins

When I was born my mother named me Sian Amy Siviter, S.A.S and she got hold of an S.A.S army cap badge that bore the motto of the society, 'Who Dares Wins.' I never took that kind of rubbish seriously, any idea of my mothers I generally disagree with, so is the curse of mother-daughter clashing. The motto has however been imbedded into me and recently I've lost sight of that. Today an old friend reminded me, I haven't been referred to as SAS in a long time, he said it and it triggered something off inside of me. I haven't been feeling all too daring lately, in truth I am frightened. I'm frightened of failing because if I fail this one exam on Tuesday, I will be automatically withdrawn from my university course. This hardly seems fair, to fail one 1st year module, when every other 1st and 2nd year subject has achieved a pass. I am frightened of not drifting off my path but being pushed. A number, in a machine, that's part of a system will determine my fate. I will not be regarded as a person, or a prospective anything, just a name on a screen that will be deleted, not by a fellow human being, but by a computer program. It's cruel.

I have no back up plan, no other ideas, I don't know what I'll do if I am forced out of university. I'm frightened of starving, of having no money, no prospects and no future. I have nobody to fall on, no helping hand to pull me up if I stumble, I must stand alone.

I am short on money recently, I got lower marks than I was happy with, my arthritis started hurting again without warning, I dropped and cracked my phone badly, all these signs...I am so scared of my life changing course I don't know how to handle it if it happens. I wish I was more the person I write, I wish I was brave and ready and daring. Everything happens for a reason, I guess I'll just have to hold onto that thought.

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