Monday, 10 February 2014

Feeling fat.

I've never approved of women who cry for being fat, crying won't weep the fat away. Crying is pointless. And yet I can understand that sometimes you feel kicked down in the dirt and dragged through the gutter and then on top of that you look at yourself and feel fat, tears can build up and it's not just your weight, it's everything else before that too. 

What's awful is you're starving, you're looking at yourself thinking "Christ who wants to fuck that now?" and at the same time you're starving and want to eat and eat and eat. Stress and misery makes me hungrier personally. And I know everyone puts on weight in the winter, I know its only down to me to sort it out, and I am going to be back in shape by my birthday (May), I've promised myself. I mean it. I can't let myself go back to being the way I was before I started getting fit, and frankly I'm not far off that. Isn't it a bitch that it takes months of hard work and diets to lose weight and tone up, then it takes less than half that time of little excercise and bad food to ruin it all. 

Sitting in the bath at the end of period week, nursing a cold and feeling more than a little crappy, upset about uni, upset about life, upset about my best friends silence, well it all adds up, then I look at the difference of extra squidge around my legs and stomach and I feel myself choke up like a complete loser. A few tears fell into my bath water before I forced myself to swallow it down and rose from the steam wrapping my unfortunate curves up in a large towel that covered everything. I'm not generally a crier, but the end of 'time of the month' makes me emotional and I can't hold things in as well as I usually do. It was the first time in 11months I haven't wanted to have sex, because the last time I did I felt fat, and now sitting on the edge of the bath in a towel I felt fat, and this is the last time I will allow myself to feel like that. I will not 'let myself go' again. That was it, that was the last time, right there on the edge of that bath tub, I will never feel like that about myself again. 

I know there are a hundred other girls who relate to this on some level. And it makes me feel stronger and more determined to tighten myself up, knowing that I'm not alone. 

No comments:

Post a Comment