Wednesday, 5 March 2014

I'm Lost.

I do believe I'm about to face the worst 3 months of my life. I really should be prepared but frankly I'm not. I don't want uni to end yet, I don't want to face up to a potential failure and I can't think straight for worrying about it all day and losing sleep at night. The additional fact that my retarded immune system is screwing up my joints to the point where I could happily go into a coma the pain stops is just making me miserable. That's right I'm miserable right now. I can't sleep well and when I do I have stressed out awful, awful dreams. Any other students freaking out? Because everyone seems really laid back except for me, and I could really do with some reassurance. If I could finish this god forsaken book I'd feel ok but I cant. Because I just don't know what happens!!!
You know I've been in such absolute explosive pain the last few weeks that I really feel like I'm breaking. My period has arrived and with it the cramps of that and I just cant handle it right now. My knees are burning. I cant get enough tablets down my throat and now the woman's curse is upon me. I feel fat, stressed, upset and angry at everything. I could crawl into a ball. I just want to eat chocolate and cake and good things but I cant bring myself to do so because I feel fat. God my joints hurt so much, I cannot express how hard it is just to lie down and try to relax.
I've always been the sort to stress over end results, but this is so much worst. what if its been for nothing, what if I end up poor, I'm frightened to hell of being poor, of a cold house and empty cupboards and biting nails over lack of money. I'm so wound up. I think it might be best if I cocoon myself away for several weeks and ignore knocks. I'm just a little person, there's not a lot to me. Grace was all I had for years, the dream that gave me wings and its deteriorating before my eyes. If I had Grace nothing else would phase me. 
I'm in pain, I'm stressed, I'm uncertain about everything, and I'm lost. Lost in my own story when I need to finish Grace's.  

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