Monday, 3 November 2014

Post-Grad, Sense of Purpose

It's not about the money. I mean...Yes the money is a big thing, it's practically 85% of it, but it's not the money I keep thinking about. It's the feeling of being without purpose. If life should have anything in it at all above all else it should be a sense of purpose. A reason to get out of bed in the mornings. That might be your three year old daughter, or your ailing relative, the goal to earn that promotion, the hunger to find The One. A sense of purpose directs our lives, our choices and shapes who we are. That's what I am missing at the moment.

University as awful an ordeal that I felt it to be at least offered a sense of belonging to a community, a home for opinions and a sense of purpose. While there, I could tell myself that I was working towards a better future. I was involving myself in something bigger and greater than the person I was yesterday because tomorrow I'll have a little more experience and education.

Now, Post-Grad...what does that mean? That I had my time for 'thinking' and now the decisions should have already have been made? That by now I should have settled into life and shouldn't be feeling so lost? That's what I feel like I can hear when people look at me.

Those three years were supposed to tell me who I am meant to be, they were supposed to turn me into somebody. Instead I feel like I'm nobody and nothing has changed except I've gained, perhaps unjustly so, a feeling that I am worth more than this.

My opinions now lie unspoken in a room in my head labelled "Should have said in lecture" or the ones that slip under the door are on social networks or this blog heard by likely no one.
My dreams that once felt like achievable goals now feel like out of date milk.
The education in my head feels like a hindrance because it's made me feel out of place in certain situations.

I am trying so hard. Everyday I am trying to find something, anything no matter how 'only tolerable' that might be just so that I can restore in myself a sense of purpose. It seems that the longer you're down on the ground the more people walk out of their way to come and deliver a kick. Disappointment's are expected in life but I was rather led to believe that hope and opportunity would outweigh Disappointment. Is that Disney? Is that where that ill placed belief has come from? Or did it come from the last ten years of education which has told you over and over again that you have such potential and you'll do so well. Well I'm trying. No one can accuse me rightly of not trying my best. But so far the definition of Post-Grad to me has been: 'disappointment' and I'm really, really forcing myself to keep that British Stiff up a Lip, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep fooling myself because I already know I'm not fooling much of anyone else.

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