Saturday, 25 February 2017

Just venting as usual

I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't write my book, I can't sketch. I am literally at a loss.
I'm just not myself anymore, this whole thing is not me.
Not this place, not this job, not any of it.

I don't know what I am expecting to happen, but I know it hasn't happened yet.

A few years ago I was certain about so many things, I was prepared to be patient because I knew I was heading somewhere. Now...well so much has changed and now I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Not sure of my career, not my relationship, not sure of my life. When did everything give me a headache? When did I become impossible to please? None of this is good enough because I am not where I want to be, I'm not doing what I want to do, this is not who I am.

I thought this would all turn out one way, and it hasn't. I thought this arrangement would be much different to how it is. I'm actually thinking more and more about just getting the hell out of here and hightailing it away. I haven't thought about running anyway from anything for a long time, the fact I now have one imaginary hand on the door is just proof that I am not 100% in this.

If I could rewind time back a few years, I couldn't really say what I would do differently, maybe I'd just tell myself to have more confidence and take the risk to do what I want. Maybe it would have worked out. I didn't have any responsibilities to worry about back then...I really wish I could give myself that advice. -always thinking about that time machine.

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