Believe it if you will but two years ago I never watched T.V. I hadn't watched T.V for a good two years. DVD's yes of course but not channels. Reason being I'm poor and didnt have one of those little boxes and my television wouldnt work the 5 main channels. It didnt bother me, I was perfectly happy with the odd movie now and then, but I've always preferred music to T.V anyway. When my wonderful sister in law and brother bought me a black box and I fitted it in I didnt know where to start. The soaps were not coming into my life, and day time televison only says one thing to me "get to work, or get looking for a job!"
I dont watch the news at all, I don't like reality with its misery, I certainly dont half care about the stuff going on unless it directly effects my family or friends. So what was I to watch, I figured 'Charmed' had long since been taken off the air, but I found a few things eventually. Jamie oliver 30 minute meals, my god I could listen to that man talk for hours, he's so hot, and he talks about food like it all has feelings and personality, sod the dinner just put me on the counter! Yeah hot flush, woo!
Midsomer Murders, John Barnaby hell yes, got to love a good murder and frankly if I was a few years older I wouldnt say no to Inspector Barnaby...I'm not like horny right now or anything I just like these two. haha.
Family Guy kind of sailed past me, the game shows I've never been able to stand, X factor..well, well! When did it go on stage? When did Sharon leave? I X'd that off right away haha geddit!
CSI. That was an old favourite...but no it's gone a little cruddy too. Took a while for me to start picking up on 'mock the week' 'would I lie to you?' LOL who knew such funny things were on so late at night. 'Not going out' another easy going show, 'Miranda' -oh my god HILARIOUS. 'Big Bang Theory' took me a while to accept and start to like but yeah, it's up there now. :-)
So i'm still out of the loop really where T.V is concerned, I'd always rather be sinking into a book or outside doing something rather than rotting away in front of brain dead shows but I've managed to gather a few favourites for bed time, just to help me drift off :-) I dont know why I chose to blog about this, after reflection it was totally pointless, or if I had a point I've forgotten it. oh well
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Jim
Jimevra, is my other character. He is my minds ideal.
"Jim was broad shouldered and skimmed just over six feet, his thick hair was plastered to his skull and edged around his neck. Extremely good looking, with handsome features and a trim waist, narrow hips and hardened chest"
I'd describe Jim as quiet, strong, so strong, and intense but with a easy laughable smile. He has a commanding force but is gentle with it. His desire for Grace is deep and hot, their connection throughout the book is spiritual, sexual and pyhschological with different aspects of these things surfacing through the books. Grace returns the same feelings but she often fights them, her fear of imprisionment means she feels suffocated by the connection and at one point breaks from Jim while trying to fight the pull to him which results in drastic conseqences. Jim has a dark side which is embedded inside him from his roots, this darkness is hinted at and Grace is aware of it but until the 2nd book it's not clear what or where this shadow comes from nor how strong it is in comparison to Jim's good side. If you read my book I suggest you take every character of mine with a pinch of salt, because they twist and turn a lot and Jim isnt all he seems.
"Jim watched, an amused smile playing on his lips as Grace tanked across the moors. He had known that she would run."
I have attempted to draw Jim but it's proved impossible so far, I will not give up on trying to portray him on paper but so far I've had no success.
"Jim was broad shouldered and skimmed just over six feet, his thick hair was plastered to his skull and edged around his neck. Extremely good looking, with handsome features and a trim waist, narrow hips and hardened chest"
I'd describe Jim as quiet, strong, so strong, and intense but with a easy laughable smile. He has a commanding force but is gentle with it. His desire for Grace is deep and hot, their connection throughout the book is spiritual, sexual and pyhschological with different aspects of these things surfacing through the books. Grace returns the same feelings but she often fights them, her fear of imprisionment means she feels suffocated by the connection and at one point breaks from Jim while trying to fight the pull to him which results in drastic conseqences. Jim has a dark side which is embedded inside him from his roots, this darkness is hinted at and Grace is aware of it but until the 2nd book it's not clear what or where this shadow comes from nor how strong it is in comparison to Jim's good side. If you read my book I suggest you take every character of mine with a pinch of salt, because they twist and turn a lot and Jim isnt all he seems.
"Jim watched, an amused smile playing on his lips as Grace tanked across the moors. He had known that she would run."
I have attempted to draw Jim but it's proved impossible so far, I will not give up on trying to portray him on paper but so far I've had no success.
Badger
You looked so beautiful, lying there,
I thought how handsome you had been,
how life and death is always unfair
you were the most lovely creature I'd ever seen.
Fur so soft I dared not touch, eyes closed as if in sleep
your face unmarked, your features intact
you didn't deserve to die that night, to be still at my feet
a brutal killing, an accident, an attack.
I always wished to see a badger while outside some time
but I didn't think one would ever be out in light and stay still before me
I hate that my wish came true, for you were still and looked so fine
your handsome coat, your beauty exposed in light so I could see
but you were only before me so still and sweet, as you were dead
if only I could exchange something else and save you instead.
I thought how handsome you had been,
how life and death is always unfair
you were the most lovely creature I'd ever seen.
Fur so soft I dared not touch, eyes closed as if in sleep
your face unmarked, your features intact
you didn't deserve to die that night, to be still at my feet
a brutal killing, an accident, an attack.
I always wished to see a badger while outside some time
but I didn't think one would ever be out in light and stay still before me
I hate that my wish came true, for you were still and looked so fine
your handsome coat, your beauty exposed in light so I could see
but you were only before me so still and sweet, as you were dead
if only I could exchange something else and save you instead.
Grace
Grace is my character, she's a lot like me the most like me I've ever written anyone to be. She has very short red hair that she hacked off with a blunt pair of scissors, but whats left curls erratically. She is a braver, fierce, stronger and more beautiful version of myself but of course this is fiction, I'm allowed to exggerate. Grace came into being on a really stormy evening quite a few years ago now. I still had my long hair back then, it hung over my face as I liked it, so self conscious I let it spill over my shoulders and hide me even when in the seclusion of my bedroom.
I remember the rain was vicious, it hammered so hard on the thin glass window I thought it might break through. There was lightening too, it was the lightening that got me to pick up my notebook. Laptop didnt exsist in my life then, neither did money. I was sat and thinking about myself, could I write myself but maybe twinge it abit, the nose with a few freckles, dull green eyes, one length straight as the rain hair. I began and I started my transformation. Make those eyes only dull because the air is hard to breathe draining her, the mouth a little more pouty, the cheekbones higher. The hair, something really had to be done about that. Red, it had to be, the colour of passion, lust and love and erratically curly, soft spirals every where, then I felt my own hair in my hands, there was so much of it, it was my mothers glory not mine, I went to the mirror and pushed it back with my hands piling it on top of my head. examining my cheeks, my neck without the veil, letting it fall back down I scribbled some lines out and wrote "hacked off, brutally sheared with what? a knife no too violent, a pair of kitchen scissors, rusty so the cuts are all uneven but the curls still spiral beautifullly."
I quickly changed from pen and book to pencil and sketch paper, I was careful to do this properly, I wanted her face hidden because I could never portray beauty the way I wanted, if I showed her face she'd just be plain and dull, I had that hair spiraling down, her neck arched. I pondered the positioning and then when the sketch was finished I debated one last thing, even though she was turned away she didnt have any indication of breasts, I didnt like that, Grace is 17. I was still flat as a iron board but I was going to change that through Grace. I added the soft curve of breasts and this is the finished result.
I remember the rain was vicious, it hammered so hard on the thin glass window I thought it might break through. There was lightening too, it was the lightening that got me to pick up my notebook. Laptop didnt exsist in my life then, neither did money. I was sat and thinking about myself, could I write myself but maybe twinge it abit, the nose with a few freckles, dull green eyes, one length straight as the rain hair. I began and I started my transformation. Make those eyes only dull because the air is hard to breathe draining her, the mouth a little more pouty, the cheekbones higher. The hair, something really had to be done about that. Red, it had to be, the colour of passion, lust and love and erratically curly, soft spirals every where, then I felt my own hair in my hands, there was so much of it, it was my mothers glory not mine, I went to the mirror and pushed it back with my hands piling it on top of my head. examining my cheeks, my neck without the veil, letting it fall back down I scribbled some lines out and wrote "hacked off, brutally sheared with what? a knife no too violent, a pair of kitchen scissors, rusty so the cuts are all uneven but the curls still spiral beautifullly."
I quickly changed from pen and book to pencil and sketch paper, I was careful to do this properly, I wanted her face hidden because I could never portray beauty the way I wanted, if I showed her face she'd just be plain and dull, I had that hair spiraling down, her neck arched. I pondered the positioning and then when the sketch was finished I debated one last thing, even though she was turned away she didnt have any indication of breasts, I didnt like that, Grace is 17. I was still flat as a iron board but I was going to change that through Grace. I added the soft curve of breasts and this is the finished result.
I went on to do the coloured version, watercolours, obviously the hair was the most important part, I waited until last to begin and i used the finest of brushes to sweep and dip and wind the curls of fire around her head. Before my eyes Grace had formed and she was missing just one thing, something to make this girl special and in my mind I gave her what I'd always longed for, I gave her wings.
My Wall
In my back yard, there's a wall my dad built. It has an alcove where I put my feet up and from here I can forget the tatty house behind me and just enjoy looking into the murky pond water. The pond is a bit pointless really, the fish all died years ago like everything else in this place, nothing ever seems to thrive, except me. But the water homes frogs. I like Frogs, they come every year and spawn. Watching the progress of eggs, to tadpoles, to tadpoles with legs, to mini frogs, to full grown creatures has never bored me.
Well this wall, this place it catches most of sun in summer and it's my quiet place where I have written many things and pondered many situations. It's here that I sat and cried when my dog died, here where I can sit for hours of stillness. This is my 'thinking' wall. I have sat and felt the first drop of rain, and still sat until the sky came hammering down on me. In winter I often lose my inspiration, freezing cold in a damp house is one factor, but to not be able to sit on my wall means thoughts dont get processed properly. I'm not suggesting I need this wall to write, but it helps me concentrate, it helps me put things in perspective.
When I hit blocks I fall into a sort of personal depression, it doesnt show to the outside world but it puts me on edge. For example the last six months I've lost Grace. I know she's somewhere inside me but nothing is flowing out, I don't know where she's going in the story, what's supposed to happen next. I feel like you've left me Grace, I know its my own fault but you need to come back and lead the way. Jim's waiting.
Here is the wall ^ Over there I'm sat on the edge of the pond
My Gorgeous dog :-)
Here is a passage I wrote last summer while on my wall about the pond.
Well this wall, this place it catches most of sun in summer and it's my quiet place where I have written many things and pondered many situations. It's here that I sat and cried when my dog died, here where I can sit for hours of stillness. This is my 'thinking' wall. I have sat and felt the first drop of rain, and still sat until the sky came hammering down on me. In winter I often lose my inspiration, freezing cold in a damp house is one factor, but to not be able to sit on my wall means thoughts dont get processed properly. I'm not suggesting I need this wall to write, but it helps me concentrate, it helps me put things in perspective.
When I hit blocks I fall into a sort of personal depression, it doesnt show to the outside world but it puts me on edge. For example the last six months I've lost Grace. I know she's somewhere inside me but nothing is flowing out, I don't know where she's going in the story, what's supposed to happen next. I feel like you've left me Grace, I know its my own fault but you need to come back and lead the way. Jim's waiting.
My Gorgeous dog :-)
Here is a passage I wrote last summer while on my wall about the pond.
She sat there, almost
completely still for so long that the shy creatures of the garden forgot her
presence and began to come out of their hideaways. A female black bird was
hopping restlessly on a stone step no more than twenty five feet away and the
frogs that had scattered on her abrupt arrival now floated lazily to the
surface of the pond croaking and gurgling around the mass of their spawn. The
majority of the water surface was obscured by a blanket of tiny green plants
that moulded together to form a sheet. Duckweed, it was so thick it gave the
impression of one being able to walk across it. Transfixed by the idea Grace
slowly put her hand out and moved to touch the pad of her finger tip to the
blanket. Alerted once more to her human presence twelve or more frogs tumbled,
dived, leapt and sank back beneath the water and into a nearby long stem plant.
In their frantic retreat from a potential threat the frogs had disrupted the
blanket, their splashes having left huge rippling holes in the weed.
For a moment Grace raised her eyebrows in
disapproval as the frogs abandoned their handfuls of eggs offering no
protection had she been a hungry predator. Then her attention was caught by the
rips and gashes in the weed blanket, she now had a somewhat restricted, but
never the less, a view of the depth of the pond. It went three or four feet
beneath the ground and Grace could make out a carpet of tiny pebbles on the
floor, the water being unusually clear considering the muck that lay on top of
it. A shimmer of light and then the flash of green land and a large house made
Grace blink two or three times in quick succession.
Don’t be stupid! Grace ordered herself as
she peered closer into the pond and saw only green tinted water.
Saturday, 2 March 2013
Gregory
My youngest brother Gregory, is ten years my senior. I love and idolise him on a scale slightly above anyone else in my family. He's a bit of an arrogant, jack ass sometimes, but he's also hilarious! And infectious. When Greg walks into a room the atmostphere instantly lights up a bit brighter. Maybe thats just my oppinion. I value his advice and oppinion above anyone elses, life or death situations I'd rely on his word. If a hundred people said yes and Greg said no, I'd say no. It's partly because of this that I curse myself now, for Greg never took well to the Key Holder, and the Key Holder never took kindly to my brother. That should have been the first sign, rather than listen to my brothers subtle hints and follow his pushing I instead struggled to find arguments against his points in my own mind. I didn't push the two together because really I knew the truth...Greg was right, and the Key Holder was lacking.
If I was to lose anyone it would hurt, but to lose Greg would devastate me. Crying in front of Greg is my biggest irritant. I hate it. I can break down to James at any given point but I don't like Greg to see the weakness in me. I want to make him proud more than anyone else, I model myself on him, I steal his jokes and make them my own in our different circles. Granted there are of course moments in time when he pisses me off, he can be such a thoughtless twat sometimes, but the longest I can manage away is a week. He's one of my best friends.
I love his wife like the sister I wasnt given. Stacey, I was afraid of for the first few years of her being a part of gregs life, but then I grew used to her ways and her tone and I found I could actually give it back as I got it. Stacey told me about periods, she convinced me to wear trainer bras, she was the cool and sturdy older sister i'd always wished for. I know I can tell Stacey anything, and I know she'll tell Greg but thats ok because I'd tell him too. :-) She is my fierce guardian, you dont mess with her, and if I needed someone for battle it would be her. I'm glad two such wonderful people are sharing their lives together, and that they share parts of it with me.
If I was to lose anyone it would hurt, but to lose Greg would devastate me. Crying in front of Greg is my biggest irritant. I hate it. I can break down to James at any given point but I don't like Greg to see the weakness in me. I want to make him proud more than anyone else, I model myself on him, I steal his jokes and make them my own in our different circles. Granted there are of course moments in time when he pisses me off, he can be such a thoughtless twat sometimes, but the longest I can manage away is a week. He's one of my best friends.
I love his wife like the sister I wasnt given. Stacey, I was afraid of for the first few years of her being a part of gregs life, but then I grew used to her ways and her tone and I found I could actually give it back as I got it. Stacey told me about periods, she convinced me to wear trainer bras, she was the cool and sturdy older sister i'd always wished for. I know I can tell Stacey anything, and I know she'll tell Greg but thats ok because I'd tell him too. :-) She is my fierce guardian, you dont mess with her, and if I needed someone for battle it would be her. I'm glad two such wonderful people are sharing their lives together, and that they share parts of it with me.
Mirror Mirror who is the...oh sod it! give me your worst I'll deal with it.
So here's a funny sort of thing...
If you've read previous blogs of mine you'll no doubt have cottoned on that I was never the most pretty or confident person. Frankly this isnt just self conscious nonsense, I'm just average, plain really, my friends have always been prettier, I dont begrude them it because they are each individually lovely and boys have always had nothing but praise for them. In clubs or just at college it's always my friends that have had the attention, men will cross rooms to talk to my friends, I'm usually the "will your friend go out with me" middle person. That's fine to be honest, I always thought that my creative side, my painting and such was my special thing and so I glow through that.
So here's the funny thing, since January, yes thats this January, well I think people have gone around the sodding bend! I became single a while ago, but suddenly something has changed, something in the force of nature has changed. Boys, Men are just popping up like daffodils! I've not just had a few one liners or chat ups but actual genuine "I like you, want to come out with me?" :-O and some of these chaps are really not half bad! Nice guys, I mean what! really? you want to buy me a drink? well ermm, I er...I erm..oh god say something Sian!!!
Now here's my argument....This is all very nice, these chaps, some randomers, approaching me but how am I supposed to handle this business? I tell you what's occurring at the moment i'm running up to my brothers every other day for advice. So for somebody who's useless at reading romantic situations, with little experience, and who's gone a long bloody time hiding in the shadows this new attention is very hard to cope with. Compliments are always surprising and really really flattering, but then of course comes the hot flush across my chest, up my back, stroking over my shoulders, tickling up my neck, pushing through my hair, like hands, a crimson blush splashed on my face. My stomach releases a flutter of butterflies, I feel a bright glow rush through me and have literally nothing to say. It really is cringe worthy. So then I must look like the sort of person who takes offence at compliments and I hate those kind of women. I'm really pleased you have an interest in me, I'm truly flattered, I just dont know what to do with it! If someone knows how to over come being shy and how to react in these situations then do tell me. Does anyone else actually relate to this?
If you've read previous blogs of mine you'll no doubt have cottoned on that I was never the most pretty or confident person. Frankly this isnt just self conscious nonsense, I'm just average, plain really, my friends have always been prettier, I dont begrude them it because they are each individually lovely and boys have always had nothing but praise for them. In clubs or just at college it's always my friends that have had the attention, men will cross rooms to talk to my friends, I'm usually the "will your friend go out with me" middle person. That's fine to be honest, I always thought that my creative side, my painting and such was my special thing and so I glow through that.
So here's the funny thing, since January, yes thats this January, well I think people have gone around the sodding bend! I became single a while ago, but suddenly something has changed, something in the force of nature has changed. Boys, Men are just popping up like daffodils! I've not just had a few one liners or chat ups but actual genuine "I like you, want to come out with me?" :-O and some of these chaps are really not half bad! Nice guys, I mean what! really? you want to buy me a drink? well ermm, I er...I erm..oh god say something Sian!!!
Now here's my argument....This is all very nice, these chaps, some randomers, approaching me but how am I supposed to handle this business? I tell you what's occurring at the moment i'm running up to my brothers every other day for advice. So for somebody who's useless at reading romantic situations, with little experience, and who's gone a long bloody time hiding in the shadows this new attention is very hard to cope with. Compliments are always surprising and really really flattering, but then of course comes the hot flush across my chest, up my back, stroking over my shoulders, tickling up my neck, pushing through my hair, like hands, a crimson blush splashed on my face. My stomach releases a flutter of butterflies, I feel a bright glow rush through me and have literally nothing to say. It really is cringe worthy. So then I must look like the sort of person who takes offence at compliments and I hate those kind of women. I'm really pleased you have an interest in me, I'm truly flattered, I just dont know what to do with it! If someone knows how to over come being shy and how to react in these situations then do tell me. Does anyone else actually relate to this?
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