Heartbreaker

Ever wanted to break someone's heart? I know that sounds bloody awful, and I think only someone who has felt their life to be utterly shattered for a little while by a broken heart will think like this, but I mean it. I think it would be cruel and vile but part of me, the dark side everyone has somewhere, wants to crush somebody. I wish someone would fall madly in love with me, utterly and completely head over heels, can't eat, can't sleep, country song kind of love. Pine for me, think of me more than once everyday involuntarily, and be annoyed when they realise they've forgotten something because I was on their mind. I want someone to crave my company, miss me when I'm gone if only for a day, and wish that I was as crazy in love with them as they were with me. I'd like to know I had the power to crush and devastate them, it must be a massive power surge, a dominating sense of control. I never have control, and unfortunately I have been cursed in life to be the one more likely to fall in love than be loved. I'm 20, if I don't have 'it' now while in my prime I never will.

Once, when I was still single but I'd perked up somewhat, I put on a killer dress and I went out drinking with some girl friends, no one I was particularly close to, and this was one of the nights I felt uncomfortable and wanted to go home from the moment the night started. But I stood at the bar, my group were at a table and a chap came and chatted me up. I was mesmerised and genuinely thrilled but I wasn't in the most reputable of places, I wasn't in a ladylike dress, and this wasn't a gentleman.

However I actually let him buy me drinks, and I enjoyed it because he looked at me in a way I can't recall someone looking at me since. Maybe it was just that particular dress and the heels! His eyes were sleazy, that sleazy slow all the way down look, lingering for way too long on my tits, but he was early 20's so it was more sexily acceptable than most old try their luck perverts. I liked the way he looked at me, it was vulgar and obvious but I liked it. It's looks like that, when they lick their lips subtly as if their mouth has gone dry that really give you a kick, you suddenly feel as if you have some sort of power over that person, you could get them to do anything because they want you, I'd never really felt sexual until then. It gave me that confidence boost I was no doubt craving, I was getting thumbs up from one of the girls and when I got on the dance floor I was by now tipsy from shots, something I never did and I was conscious the whole time of him watching. You know I'm struggling to remember his name while writing this, I'm sure the last name was Davies. Something Davies. We left and moved on after a while and I felt seriously bad for reading out my phone number wrong to the guy, especially since I'd let him buy me some drinks, the group of girls said that's how it was done but it didn't feel right. I'd panicked the moment he'd asked for a contact, I felt like a bright red sign was going to flash above my head reading "never had sex before!" and I cringed inside. Who knows if I'd given it to him he might have turned out to be a darling who fell madly in love with me, but somehow I doubt it. The girl he saw was fake with a slut dress on and a felt as out of place as a comedian at a funeral. However the look on his face all night, and knowing he kept his eyes on me for so long was the push of self esteem I needed and it probably did more for me than anyone would ever realise.

Broken Washing Machine

I'm so stressed out, I swear my brain is beginning to think headaches are a normal part of everyday. my eyes feel like they're too big for their sockets while my skull is threatening to split open.

I feel like I was 5, went to sleep and woke up almost 21, with two weeks left of uni, no definite grade and no job lined up. I feel sick in my stomach and lost. Truly honestly lost. Where did the time go where I told myself I had plenty of time to sort things out?

I always pictured myself being on my own at the end of uni, I have no idea why exactly but I genuinely always imagined the end of education and the beginning of real life being a solitary journey and perhaps if I was on my own at this particular point in time I would be a little more relaxed. I wouldn't be so hell bent focussed on getting that steady income to save and to move on, I feel an added pressure at the moment I could do without, just because no one around me is helping me to feel calm or helping at all! I just feel a sense of radiating pressure and I have a constant headache from it all.

The sodding washing machine broke today, that just added another bulging twinge to my headache, and reminded me how much I hate these awful four walls, there's a bloody curse on this place I swear, a black cloud always hovering. One day I'll have my own four walls and my own washing machine and it's that thought that pushes me but at the same time I need to relax before I give myself a brain tumour. Maybe I bloody am Bipolar! or maybe I'm just stressed and eventually I'll reach a point when everything is settled nicely and I wont be so stressed about the future because it will have already happened!

few weeks left

I don't know where my university grade is going to end up, but I've known since second year that it wasn't going to be a brilliant number to brag about, I have a few weeks of Uni left and I am putting everything I can into my last assignments, no one can say I haven't done my best. The truth is I won't be disappointed as long as I pass, I can't say the thought of failing doesn't make me feel sick, I just hope I pass and then the future is what ever I can make it with those three years, I honestly think were a pointless bloody waste of time, behind me.

As if in defiance of whatever the outcome is Grace has finally come back, idea's for my book, conclusions and answers are flying around my head and spilling out at every opportunity. I know if I can reach a moment of free time without any serious worry or stress I'll be able to knock out chapters for my books the way I used to. If I'm screwed after this absolute waste of three years at least I'll only be 21 and I'll have the only thing that's ever mattered: My books. Grace and I will be fine. No one else will understand this, and all those people can sod the hell off. If I'm still writing, and I'm writing Grace, I'm fine.

Grace.

Grace,
 I know I've been waiting for you to come back to me for over a year now, I know I've been bipolar with my moods and I have seriously neglected the book. Now you're back like an avenging tidal wave and your suffocating me under the pressure to write, I need to finish my coursework, I need to sort out a job with a full time income and then we can finish what we started. Don't go anywhere, just wait a little while for me. I've missed you. I'm ready. Be patient.

Brick Wall

I have hit a solid brick wall where my uni work is concerned, I actually feel an upset lug at the back of my throat. I have had no response from my lecturer for a week, and what I've had previously were pathetic attempts at advice composed in single short sentences. I am uninspired and empty and the stress is making me feel sick. I actually feel sick. I am going to go for a walk.

Dreams of Failing

I had a dream last night about my uni results, so it's started then, towards the end of every chunk of my academic life I start having my nights sleep tormented by dreams of my results and the future. I'm the sort of person who hates change of most sort with a passion, which makes me rather boring I suppose. I dreamt that I was trying to get hold of that brown paper envelope and for a long time it evaded my touch, always just slightly out of reach, and finally when I did get my hands on it I was forced to open it up in front of everyone! a lecture theatre full of people with judgemental looks, even my old favourite teacher from school was there watching me and I failed, a big fat blood red F.

Emily was in the dream with me, Emily is my friend, I have sadly neglected her lately because I am buried under work. Once it's over I intend to make it up to her with a day outing together, the dream reminded me of this.

I feel awfully sick, I have little appetite and that's always a bad sign.

Please don't fail.

bath poem

The bath water is very near cold
and a few warm tears drip from her nose
The steam that rose and covered the mirror
didn't linger long, already it's disappeared ...
and there’s a dissolution between her and the reflection
an austere expression of resentment
that crumples from the attention