Thursday, 13 April 2017

Connie. The Tower

I've known since the first moment we shut ourselves in, and I knew we were committed, that The Tower wasn't right for me. I didn't pack. I laughed a lot. Carelessly threw a few things in a couple of bin-liners as if I'd be back in a week. Those who knew me best said I was in denial, maybe I was. I guess when your gut tells you something, you ought to believe yourself not just blame excitement or nerves. I couldn't see it. I couldn't see myself planting crops out there, nor entertaining in those rooms, or writing anywhere. I can't see them, growing in this house.

If someone asked me what's wrong with it, I could list off a few things, but really, it's not something I can pinpoint. I can only say...this isn't Connie, and I have tried so very hard to make it so, in my head and my heart but I can't. It's not here. This isn't where I should be. I think a part of me has seen into the future, seen what's to come and I know how it should feel.

I don't miss everything about Connie, I don't miss my four walls of childhood.

I just miss the feeling of coming home.

I haven't come home since August.

Everything will change again September this year. Everything always restarts in September. I have no intention of still being here by then. I'll cut my path back to Connie, I'll make sure it works out. Jones will be with me, he's always on my side where it counts. At least that's the one constant thing in my life. Here it's an oubliette but Jones never forgets me.

Connie poem April

Have I left my notebook with you Connie?
Did I leave behind the story?
I can't find my way to write the rest
I've lost something along this way.
Did you laugh when I turned my back from you?
Did you know I'd left a box behind?
When did you look up and miss me?
Is it my heart or my soul I can't find?
I found my church in you,
but lost my faith up here.
When we move along to somewhere new
I'll walk through a hundred doors...
I'm still looking for you.

Poem. 12

The walls of the tower are all chalky white,
the doors are white too
A blank canvas, no one has bothered to paint
Feels like an oubliette, a place where things are forgotten
So often, that's how it feels: Forgotten.

Blue wisps outside illuminate a potential path back
but a dead end is all they lead to.
A back window frames a slightly overgrown lie
misguided image of something that this is not.

I can't see them here,
no adventures out in that green
no Christmas steps on those stairs
that's all the proof I need- when it's wrong it's wrong.

Is it death? That stains this crisp clean place?
I don't think so...there's too much Alone, to be haunted.
A presence would be welcome, if they stayed for tea.
It's just an emptiness, that's all
.Emptiness filled by other peoples noise.
My own drowned out.
Is this why I can't write? Did I leave my ability with Connie?

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Decisions, Decisions

Ever since I achieved what should have been a great accomplishment I've felt as if I signed myself away into a series of bad experiences. Like looking forward to a movie for over a year because the Trailer looked ace, and then the movie is a shambles.

 I'm drained and my positivity is ebbing away bit by broken bit.

If I'd known then, what I know now...I think I would not have bothered applying. That said, maybe I really should hand it back. Can I get away with that? Hi Guys, I don't want this anymore, it's pants, can I be downgraded back to six months ago? Thanks!

The once bubbly atmosphere in the place has deteriorated I think, the family feel has died, and now I'm sat here thinking...I'm no good at this superior position. It's maybe not for me after all. I gave it a good go. I've certainly put in 100% effort and I've really tried, tried coming at this challenge from all angles, but none of it seems to have worked. Every week I feel a little more of myself fade away and now that people are noticing, I can't ignore that I am not my bubbly happy self. I'm not happy for eight hours a day.

Five months now I've been doing this, it's gone by fast but doesn't time always do that? Every week I tell myself, this week all will go smoothly and everything will be fine, but then something happens and it's not fine. I wish my old supervisor was around so I could ask her advice, I feel sure she'd have something to contribute to my thought process.

I miss my old routine, because I now feel like I've just gotten to that point where I'm really good at my OLD job. I've nailed it down to a T and I miss doing it. I really need to make a decision on this, I need a glimpse of the next 6 months to help me decide what I'm going to do.

If there was an outer world being - they would offer some guidance right about now. In the form of a dream or premonition or anything! Send me a sign. What shall I do? I'm getting really fed up of asking this question.

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Dreading tomorrow

I'm dreading the morning. Lately I can't seem to do anything right, ten tasks-completed= one-not good enough. The atmosphere has really dropped too, a dark and boring cloud has descended making every day a bit harder. It's very much like living in Ground Hog day- too often it's a miserable day rather than a good one. I can't shake off these headaches, or this constant fatigue. I can't focus on the weekends and doing fun days out because Jones works every weekend now.

There's so much back handed information and two faced comments there that you dare not speak out to anybody about how you feel, risking it being twisted and repeated. I feel quite isolated now. I used to fairly enjoy my days as much as one can you know, but now it's just getting harder to find motivation, when everything seems to be a challenge with no reward, every task is endless and repetitive.

I have been thinking about my handmade craft products a lot, I keep thinking how much I really need to make this work. If I don't give it a really good go, I'll never forgive myself. I need to prove to myself either way whether it will be a success or not. If I could make just half what I earn now I'd feel like I was the most successful woman in the world. I really need to keep pushing on, I'm just finding it really difficult.

Saturday, 18 March 2017

Professor Higgins

I've made a new friend over the last several months, who today I've finally found a pseudo|nym for: Professor Higgins.

Pro Higgins has become my Life-Coach, Fashion-guide, Relationship-Guru and all round- new best friend.

I find myself confessing day to day occurrences within the 'circle of trust' like they're weather reports on the BBC. My most sincerest hopes, my most frustrating problems and challenges, work-related and personal life combined, are shared out into the circle. Then Pro Higgins listens like the Shrink I always wanted and couldn't afford, and proceeds to advise like a Life-Coach/Guardian Angel put in this place in time to guide me through this point in my life.

I am at a point in my life when a lot is changing and a lot is happening with ME.
Getting Promoted at work
Leaving my childhood Home
Living full time with Mr Jones
Planning the future with Mr Jones
....To put it simply...Growing up has finally kicked in.

Pro Higgins has saved my sanity, my job and my relationship from burn out a few times because living with someone you love this much is hard, and getting used to each others good and bad habits under one roof is a challenge. Handling a position of responsibility at work is a difficult balance to maintain, and every day to day experience thrown in just messes up the mix even more.

Pro Higgins is brutally honest, exceptionally Fun, and has a wealth of knowledge about people, especially what men want and don't want, and what works and does not work in a marriage. Even raising a family. I get a whole new perspective on every situation now and I find myself absorbing this information and letting it improve me as a person- hence, Professor Higgins who based on the Pygmalion Story, improves Eliza Dolittle beyond recognition.

Whether it's the manner I regard others with, the image I put out, how to handle obstacles or face challenges, Pro Higgins is my guide now and always hand in hand with a lot of laughter I can wind down my mind from work and approach my personal life in a sweeter mood. Obviously Guardian Angels don't walk the same path as their charge forever, and at some point, time will change and I will have to move on and walk alone, and this will all be another experience to log in the Long Term memory Library. Pro Higgins will be another person who has helped shape the woman I am going to be throughout my existence.

And when I think of the people I will meet in Heaven who have helped shape and change my life - I will list Pro Higgins as one of them. Guardian Angel for the transition into Adult-Hood.

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Poem 2

The tower is on lock down
and Connie cannot get in
for whatever reason they see fit
the truth is kept within
Sometime soon we'll reunite
just hold on a little while longer
Connie, my future is with you
Together our forces grow stronger