Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Grace-closing the year.

Grace,
 I ordered the 2017 edition of the Writers Yearbook. I've been promising to study this book for the last two years and not had the courage to order it. Finally it's arrived and a week later I forced myself to open the parcel. Am I ready for this? To submit my work where it counts? Am I ready for a line of rejections?

I've rather lost myself in grown-up life lately. House, Job, Promotion. To most people these things would be huge accomplishments. For a normal-everyday-life. For a normal-everyday-woman. To me, they are distractions, but also reminders. This is not what I want. This life-is not my life. I'm meant for so much more. I wish more than anything that I don't let myself fall into the forgetfulness of grown-up life. To be content with the mundane and accept this is it for most people, why should it not be it for me too. It's just not good enough. Not when the thirteen year old sitting on her window sill writing is still inside me and she's restless.

If you were here I'd have more courage for this. But I think you disappeared when they destroyed our Pond. I wish you'd come back- I cannot think straight without you.

Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Missing Amy

I miss my friend,
because she's gone again
and surrounded as I am
no one fills that space
there's an empty bird house
I can't do without
And a cup of tea sat unmade
I haven't bought any cake.
Without your face,
I lose my way-
no one to talk to
the way that we do.
We both get lost in life
away from each others roads
but I still miss you
whenever you're not home.

2016 Achievements

2016

I finished another book.
Got promoted at work to supervisor
Made new friends-at work
Visited Rome-Incredible
Visited Corfu-Horrific
Way more confident swimming- about 90% now
Moved out of Parents
Moved into a house with Jones
Started selling my crafts

2017 Goals

2017 Goals

Lose 2 stone
Come to terms with the fact Lion Farm chippy is a thing of the past
Buy more teaspoons
Set up a Facebook page and attempt side-line craft business
Finish writing second book
Finish building Time Machine
Go Back in time to myself now and tell myself I achieve all this because I am totally going to kick this years ass!

Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Just thinking. again

Having those thoughts again, that this isn't my life.
I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, I only know this isn't it. This isn't all I have to give this life. This very short life we live.
Maybe I just had a bad day, a bad couple of days all blurred into one as the weeks merge together- but I can't fathom how unsatisfied I am.

I worked hard to get a decent full time job.
I worked hard to get promoted and become a supervisor.
I am working hard to do well in the role.
I worked hard to leave home fully
I worked to get this house with the man I adore
I am filling it bit by bit with pieces that will make up our home
But every day I feel like I arrive home at 6 and I look back over my day with a sense of complete disappointment. I am capable of more.

I feel quite alone here, when I'm at home. The Tower is just now starting to feel like a real home with Christmas decorations and twinkling lights, and a fluffy rug we've fucked on- making another memory that binds us together and nearly broke our backs. Yet, I feel a big empty space.
Some people think a dog is what's missing. Others say it's time for children to fill these rooms.
I want both- but it's not that.
I know having those things will be wonderful but they wont change this disappointed feeling.

Everything I have is amazing. Jones is amazing. My friends and my house- it's all wonderful. It's me that I'm disappointed in. Wow...that's hard to say out loud but I wrote it down without thinking. I am disappointed in myself. Knowing I was meant for something better, something creative.
"My business is to create"
My business is to take asshole's complaints and deal with office drama" -yeah sure.
I sold orders of my handmade crafts to people at work and it inspired a new confidence in me. This is what I want. To create and to live from it. Nothing will ever chase this need out of me, but you can't eat dreams, far fetched hopes can't pay the bills.

I'm only 23. I still have time right? Time enough to fix this. I wish I didn't feel as if I'd settled on the ordinary, because I am not ordinary, to pretend to be so would be to accept defeat and spiral into madness.

I wrote some of my new book tonight, after months of silence in my head. I wrote because I couldn't stand the thought of going to bed again with nothing but the memories of todays office work to lull me to sleep, in dreams where phones ring and people complain. I wrote because I still believe it's my way out. My only way. My business is to create.


poem. pointless person

You hide from the walls of the trap
which you set for yourself
on the day you decided to be weak
the time you went without
all the strength you might have acquired
had you decided to seek it
pathetic you are- pathetic you'll be
until you hold yourself taller
hold yourself above me
You cower in the corner of life
hiding from everything
because you let yourself become worthless
You grew up to be a pointless human being.

I have no sympathy for you
I cannot care for how you go on
people like you always linger longer
like bad smells- we try to be rid of
You wonder why I am stronger
why I succeed above you
because I chose to drag myself up
when you sat panting at the bottom
I choose not to be pointless
I fought my way to myself
You my pointless being,
have only to blame, yourself

Tuesday, 6 December 2016

catching moments poem

Catching moments is our sport-
like fireflies in jam jars.
The sound of the latch on the door
the brush of a morning kiss
two minutes left on the alarm
but not enough is it?
Half an hour on the sofa- desperate to stay awake
or that final cup of tea, which you should probably make
I wonder, if we counted the moments that we have to snatch this way
will we collect a life time,
before the fireflies, fly away?

A moment you catch when your arms curl around me
and another I hold onto, when I come home early
These moments we chase around this house
and up and down the street
moments we run after, every time we speak
We stretch ten minutes before bedtime,
into an hour of sleepy catch up
it's all we have sometimes,
to remind us, we're still us.

Across the world are people catching moments
people so in love, people just like us
for the time we have is just not enough
but the time we have is everything.
I'd rather catch a moment of you,
than a lifetime of anything else