Empty and contemplating

First I was angry, then I was upset, but now I've reflected and hardly thought about anything else and I feel empty. To see yourself through someone elses eyes is hard, it's worse when you had such different opinions about them, good ones, loving ones. Now I don't see how it will ever be the same. What's the point in trying when I hate the person you painted me to be.

I change my mind all the time, one day it's up the next down, one minute it's summer then it's winter...I asked very recently what I would sacrifice for a pretty view...well now I ask, what dreams will I sacrifice for people I can't depend on? What will I give up to try and hold something together I have no control over. I know nothing, I only know myself and who I am, I clearly have faults, people point them out and sometimes I don't know how to deal with it, but I know the good parts, the personal parts and I have been alone all my life really. Even if an outsider looks in and see's a big family and lots a friends, the truth is it's always been me and my mind, we get along just fine. I'll do fine on my own for the rest of my life. That's what I'll do. I don't need anyone, I pump my own fuel, I burn my own fire, eight minutes I said before. Eight minutes is what I'm sticking to. Eight minutes it would take me to pack and walk away.

I'm going to write my coursework now.

Gemini and wolves

I'm a Gemini, which means I'm adaptable to any situation. I will thrive anywhere with anyone, I will change myself to suit anything. Over night my opinions can change, they can twist and warp and disapear. When a wolf pack has more than one alpha male and female they branch off, they start their own packs, a pack cannot survive in cramped conditions when they're are more than the chosen two leaders. You need to back off, to mark your own territory. When a pack is threatened they join ranks, but when wolves are forced upon one another in a cage they will fight it out, it's nature.

I sometimes wonder why God make humans to be pack mammals, why do we gather and huddle? Birds have their young, and then they fly off. Hundreds of species survive alone, why do human's naturally form attachments and live in packs? Is it for survival, really? Because if so I think the system is flawed...if we were threatened we'd rally together for survival, but day to day, it was never a good idea... to put wolves in a cage. You end up loving and that means you're weakened. You end up clawing at each other, and that weakens you. If we're a pack we need to breathe and share the air we have best we can, we can't start ripping each other up, in the hope we'll survive better alone. God put us together. Destiny made our situations so we were forced together even when the time came to branch away we did not. When the zombies attack, or the delayed 2012 happens, if we don't have each other what will we fight for?

 

There's only one way to keep a bird down...take away it's wings.

If you do that it will die eventually, or it will live and resent you.

I won't take anyone's wings, I won't let anyone hold mine down...

I have a year to work this out in my mind, until then there are only two things I'm certain of: I was born to write and fly, my book is my soul.

and the second thing, I'm keeping to myself a little while longer ,because although I'm sure about it, it's too quick, it's too scary.

Fallen Fallen Fallen angel passage

The angel awoke in violent daylight, her flesh was cooled now, but the memory of the burning remained...Torture, hot red coals had been lain upon her bare flesh and heated her through to the core. The devil had lain within her, he had stirred himself in and out and she'd accepted with abandonment.
"Where is God now? I cannot face him again. The essence of the devil ran through me and poured out marking me as his own, marking the bed sheets. I'm sorry my lord, for I have sinned. The devil has taken me for his own."

Angel's memory is burned too, a searing pain like a branding knife touching her, ripping her pushing in invading, the pain was hot and hard and the lust confused it, more, but it hurts, take the pain it's worth it to be so full with heat.

Oh Angel it aches now doesn't it, poor sweetheart, God won't have sympathy for you, wash yourself angel your pussycat is tainted with come and the memory of sex. Breathe angel, the ache will pass, you'll want more soon enough.

The Angel couldn't wait long, a day at the most.
"I want more. I need to be full again, I want my wolf inside me."
Yes...yes...More, I'm yours. I'm yours to command.

There's a bite mark on her inner arm, the flesh brusied brown with passion, oh no angel your demon did not hurt you, you fool you bit yourself, you took your own flesh between your teeth and bit down hard to stop from screaming. You may muffle your cries angel but God still hears, he hears you murmer his name over and over but not in prayer,  he hears your wanton call and your thoughts are loudest of all. You tainted whore, you let the wolf take you like a dog, you wanted to beg for more...you still do.

"I want my wolf again, I cannot sit here without the thought of being taken and pushed and pulled running through my head. I am a lady of the West but I've stepped down from grace, take me again wolf, screw me your own way."

Where I'm meant to be

Despite the fact that I want to travel and have always dreamt of seeing parts of the world, England is my country and my home. I love her with an old fashioned patriotic feeling. I have always wanted to be out of the city, I wasn't supposed to have been born caged in by lifeless grey blocks, I was supposed to be surrounded by colour, green mostly. The thing is, anyone who I love is here...My three closest brothers and their families live in my parents street, I live in this street, Darcy is local so is Brett, when they settle into their own homes will it be far away? I don't imagine so...Greg and Stacey are just up the road, what would it do to our relationship if I were to fly off somewhere at a distance? Do I really want to risk finding out? I want to continue to feature in my nieces lives, I want to watch Katelyn and Romany become young women and I want them to go on loving me.

I see myself in my mind as an older person, marks and spencers fashionable jacket and my hair either long and bundled up or chopped short once again like Julie Andrews in 'The Princess Diaries.' I see my green door and my garden and vegetable patch, I picture my kitchen smelling of baking ready for the next guest that arrives, because I would always have guests. The girls, older would come round in the summer, or even older they would bring their partners and have sunday dinners regularly. My brothers and their wives coming occasionally too for tea and gossip and my annual dinner parties, buffet get-to-gethers and BBQ's as once upon a time when I was little and all my brothers has left home, I sat alone in my room quite often and my mother said that in the future it would be my duty to keep the family together, that I must always be the navigational point where we can all gather. I fully intend to fullfil that role. Of course I'd have children too, there will be a mighty age gap between my offspring and that of my brothers, so perhaps Romany or Brook will child mind for me when I go on date nights with my husband (Heaven have hope lol).

Now all this is circumstantial, would any of this occur if I lived an hours car drive away? Probably not. I have a perhaps tainted view of where I currently live; that it is a dog hole. Then again, just a few streets away there are some fairly decent looking houses, quieter roads...can I settle here? What am I willing to sacrifice for a pretty view? My mother never see's her only brother, they're not on bad terms, it's just that the distance between them means neither bothers with the other, that's awful. If that happened to me and Gregory in the future I'd resent my life. I am giving all this some very serious thought lately as I only have a year left at Uni, then my life will need to settle on a path and follow it out. I always saw myself alone on this road, I didn't take anyone else into account, I just saw me, Miss Siviter moving away, painting a house, digging the garden, starting a career, I didn't think I might have someone with me, or that I should look into what I would be leaving behind. I really have got some confusing thoughts right now. One thing I do know...I will always be me no matter where I am, and Grace will follow me anywhere, and Jim shall always find his way back to Grace.

So crazy, oh my god happy!

So that weird feeling I last mentioned disappeared on it's own. I can't control my life or my feelings, and if spiralling out of control is what's happening then I'm going to enjoy the ride. Wooooo! spiral spiral spiral!!! I'm crazy incredibly happy right now this moment. So many signs, so many good omens, and I'm just drifting along lazing by the river of contentment.

 I had a broken heart that I mended on my own,
I had a cage that has been opened up,
 I had a fortress that's been broken into
and I had a patch of daffodils that were pretty enough
 until a really bright one came along that turned into an evergreen tree.
I had a half dead pair of wings that have been re-made
and I had a Christians virginity that has now been given freely.

I now have a heart worth keeping,
 I have an air balloon to ride,
 I have a sky to fly in,
I have a thriving tree of life,
I have a pair of wings grown and forged by my own hand,
 I have an umbrella of a childhood dream under which I can stand
I have so much wonder in my life, I'll never forget it again
be it sun, or wind, or snow, or even heavy falling rain
I'll never sink again, I'll never forget again.

weird feeling won't go away

Depressed is a very over the top sort of expression but what else do you say? Unhappy sounds even more dramatic. I'm not really either of these things, I just have that bad feeling again. I woke up last night after unsettling dreams that evaporated almost instantly, and I was left listening to the almost supernatural sound of the wind, it was crazy wind, so hard and loud, howling like my wolf pack and I slammed my window on it, for once I preferred to be enclosed inside. It's been a nice day for me today, but there was blood on the moon, a half moon, a sign that troubled times are only half done with. It put me on edge a little, I just can't shake this bad feeling. Bubbles going to burst? Maybe...but I also feel a little suffocated already, just a tad. It took a while to become me and me alone, and now it will take a while to adjust to a new chapter in my life, like a new piece of furniture in a room...you want this table, it's a nice table, and it's holding some of your favourite things in it's drawer but where do you put it? Not where the old one was, that would be pointless, but it's hard rearranging a room. I don't think it's all me you know, I think it's because everyone else is rushing through trying to pull me along and I'm trying to hold back and say "I'll catch you up!" You walk through a tunnel, and suddenly there's a light at the end so very close, and everybody wants to catch this light so they run into it and miss some of the journey, they forget about the tunnel and only see the light, but the light is just as hard to accustom ones eyes to as the darkness.

At work, in the supermarket, even in my room I'm finding myself physically a little breathless, it's hard to breathe and this may just be the heat that's creeping up, or it might be that I'm suffocating. With the amount of uni work and student stress I'm dealing with at the moment I've let my list slip, I'm putting it on the back burner just until my deadlines are over. My book: I don't know what to say...I haven't had the time to write, nor the inspiration. Apart from the odd poem and these passages, but my novel just isn't finished and I'm still lost in it.

I have no one to talk to about this. I don't. Not in all my friends and family... I'm in this weird, caged, stand still feeling alone.
Jim, are you there?
I could do with your company in my head right now...Grace is my champion, my fighter, she is me but stronger, Grace is my subconscious...but it is and always has been Jim who my subconcious talks to. Jim who I have in my head, and Jim who sort of offers the comfort to my mind I need when I'm trapped. I've been so wrapped up in the things in my life the last few months that I've not heard from Jim in a while, how can I explain? Jim and Grace are more than just my characters, they are parts of me...they are what I imagine my soul is contained in. I don't write my book, it writes itself, I just hold the pen. My mind is another being in itself, it is led by my soul, my spirit, and those things are ruled by Jim and Grace. I'm a gemini; a split personality. Half of me is real-it's Miss Sian Siviter, of England, the other half is fiction, it's the angel, it's the bird, it's Grace Rogers.

Talk to me Jim, what would Grace do right now? ...run, that's what she'd do. Feeling suffocated, feeling out of control, Grace would dissapear. That's not an option, and I don't quit something because it's a little unsettling or even scary. I only quit when I know I can't succeed. I'm sure I have things to succeed with here. I just wish I had a map on this road. I've never been good with change, even at school changing classes, I adapt well but only with time. Jim anwser me, I need guidance. Come to me in my dreams, send me a sign...anything but for gods sake speak to me.

intimate scene 3 Angel up a wall

Angel spreads her wings it's that time of night, the devil he lingers just a minute more.
 Ready for sleep upon a cloud
but then suddenly pushed up against a wall, a sigh out loud.
Angel's knees buckle, she'd fall without the devils arms.
 Feathers pressed against the wall, oh god forgive me I cannot say no.

Never mind your trembling thighs child, you fell a while ago,
I feel the heat rise up from you, God will feel it too.
Hot mouths press together, unrestrained, laced with sin.
Take me now for gods sake the angel could beg aloud,
it's time to leave angel stop this now!

Oh I can't, push your hand in... the claws of the devil slip in, so wet,
 so wanton, place me back on that bed?
Oh christ I can't breathe, my legs are weakening,
I can't stand much longer, lift me up, take me to hell,
 I want to burn, I want to die in sin...
It's time to go angel...it's time to leave.
Stop these thoughts, stop this need.

The Angel is aching, her pussy weeps, her feathers are damp so is inside,
 a lamp post: press me up it, an ally: take me into it,
 jesus christ get away from me before I lose everything.

Angel you've changed, where is God now? He's watching you, oh you fell so hard.
Inside alone, this is no home, hell is home now, not these cold walls.
 I want my fire, I want my wolf...a finger of mine alone is no good,
 I need a paw, I need strength. Angel sleep, it's time to kneel and pray....
I won't! Angel says, I won't pray tonight,
one thing the white one would have kneeled for, tonight and that wasn't to pray.
Thump the pillows, curse outloud,
 for you are wanton, you've truly left your cloud.

Dreams last night

Well I dreamt last night that I was in a building, I think it was my old college, and my Tinkering Solider was with me, I went to the loo and was attacked by zombie students, and Tinker came running in. (We watched zombie land last night, I sodding knew I'd be effected) The dreams escalated I've only got bits and pieces right now, I was in an elevator with him and as usual the walls were getting smaller the air thicker, I couldnt breathe he was trying to calm my nerves down. on and on. I woke up disorientated and reached over the bed for a soldier that wasn't there and I wasn't keen on that feeling. How have I gotten that used to someone else being in bed with me again so fast? I'd forgotten where I was and kicked myself, idiot.

I've without a doubt not just fallen but violently thrown myself down a rabbit hole here, falling falling, faster uncontrollable, down, down, down whack thud whack, all the way down landing in a heap at the bottom. Damn! What a hard long fall that was, I think I've broken something...Oh no! Heart??? Are you there, are you alright? Answer me damn it!!
Beat...Beat...Beat.
Thank god. That was rough, I felt forces above trying to pull me out, rescue me from that fall, they failed. Dreams where you fall, generally wake you up and indeed I jumped in bed as I hit the floor, but I have always been able to return to sleep and continue a dream which I did in moments...Crumpled up in a heap like before I was nervous, but my solider appeared down there, and I noticed a tunnel and light and a road. Just then I heard a shout from above, it was as if we were in a well with no water. A character was up there calling for me, anyone that's read my blog posts can guess who it was, I wont say the name...He threw down four lines, my puppet strings.
"Climb up! I'll pull you out."
Hmmm, like hell. There's a road down here, I intend to walk it. My subconscious is a funny thing and I'm rather physic at times, but above he held puppet strings, and down here this one held a brass hinge waving it temptingly like a piece of gold: a hinge from the green door, wherever that led was where I was meant to be.

 

Got that feeling again...caged

The sun shone today, I felt the first real flush of summer. The last few days I've been getting that feeling again, the one that haunts me like a ghost. It comes every time there's a change in the wind....that feeling of being caged up, that desperate need to run and be free. For someone that's never been imprisoned or restricted in life I don't understand where this feeling ever came from, but I've been followed by it all my life. I want to run, I want to be on the move...I'm suffocating here. I can't breathe again...I want to run. This is Grace talking, spurring me on. There's a wind pushing at my back and a road waiting for my presence. I hate feeling so trapped, I'm tied to uni deadlines, to work...but still the crave is there, the need. One day I tell myself, but one of my fears is that day won't ever come. That I will live and die here under this sky and this rain and this sun and that I shall never have travelled that road.

I got my uni money instalment paid into my bank today...I looked at the screen and almost ran right then. I wanted to catch a plane, a train anywhere...I could escape with that money! But no, I need to earn my degree, I need to forge my life and then things will work out the way they're meant to. I hope.

My patch of garden

Today I began working on my patch of garden. I have selected this spot very specifically because its an unused waste of dirt that's been hardened by winters past and left resting. There is a dead tree stump of branches in the middle and far too old to be uprooted I am focussing my Wiccan herb garden here. I dug and turned over the soil today in the first flush of our summer, the sun was warm and bright, the air breathable and I laid new soil and scattered seeds. I will plant herbs in the points of the pentacle and this shall be a little patch thriving with the life of good magic. I look forward to seeing it develop under my hands.

Red Riding Hood. Poem

Red riding hood found herself alone one night

the wolf slept in his den

she lay abed wanting, and knew she needed him then.

when the wolf lay next to her, young red head knew her place

paws so soft yet possessive, keeping her safe.

The wolf was not the demon, the woodcutter turned into the foe,

it's never who you think at first, this Red does know.

Wolf bites Red, but gently, his paw in her scarlet hair,

he dips a claw into her, and brings forth excited whimpers of despair.

red riding hood, so young, mother said be wary dear,

there are dangers in the woods for you to fear

but Red cast her mothers words aside

when she met her wolf, she wanted to mount, to ride

no fear, no reserve Red slips off her crimson cape

I'm yours my wolf, not to eat, but here for you to take

wolf so sly, so good inside, led her off the path

hear him growl when he takes her, hear her wanton laugh.

Red riding hood sleeps alone tonight, in the cold of her room

but listen carefully Red my sweet, wolves are howling at the moon

again you'll lie in fur warm arms and be with the wolf soon.

Dear Heart; a reply

Dear Previous owner,
    I'm doing well, I've made a new home, I know you were mad at me and thought I was wrong
but I will prove you wrong, trust me, I've been through this before,
I know what's real now, I can open and close my own door
any mail I get for you, I'll forward it along
lets not be on bad terms my friend, you picked me up when I was broken, you put me back together
I will be attached to you for now, and forever
you are mine and I am yours and I don't blame you for what happened
I was beaten and left torn up, but it wasn't your fault, you weren't to know,
you trusted so easily, gave so freely, and now you're guarded I know.
Stop asking questions, stop blaming yourself, I'm alive! we survived, off that shelf
You were strong my friend, when I let you down
I left before and was worse for it but maybe this time around....
no don't interrupt me, hear me out right now,
 I swear to you I'm being careful, I'd explain but don't know how.
I can't stay in your fortress anymore, it's time to spread my own wings
if you'll be so good as to pass letters on, and drop off my things?
I'm only lodging if that, the landlord is rather fenced off,
but maybe some day I'll buy this place and have you round for tea
you have to let me see this through, you must to put faith in me,
The long lease tenant is here with me, to be honest I want him out,
I shall do my best to send you this lodger, I don't see him much, behind a closed door
he's been damaged like me, maybe more.
I understand, I do, I do, you're empty without my beat,
keep the room available, just until we next speak
maybe I'll push this lodger out and he can live in you, there's a vacancy I'll let him know, a room with a view
sincerely your dear Heart, always looking out for you.

Dear Heart 4th poem

Dear Heart,

           Hope you've settled in well,

 I feel like you're at a loss as to where to put yourself

no need to beat, nor hum, nor burn,

I don't see what you're doing, but this is your turn

I leave this to you alone,

I won't beg you to come running home

My door's open if it gets too cramped in there,

tell that heart you've met there's a vancancy here.

I miss you dear one, but I look forward to your letters,

I tried to keep you in, I caged you up myself,

you said you knew better

so prove it to me, prove it to yourself

Heart what have you done to me?

I was strong and steady before,

you led me astray, you wanted more

Damn you I say, you've made me weak,

because now a new heart to replace you I seek

No not a common one, not any will do

I want the heart thats in there,  next to you.

Don't say it outloud. poem

 

The words run through my mind,

Over and over again

Loud as thunder, fresh as rain

Say it silently, wanting more

I won’t be the one to open that door.

It rings through my head

Smiling secretly instead

Hold it back, bite your lips

Don’t admit you’ve slipped

Falling asleep it’s there

Too fast, too raw, too rare

Fallen from my cloud

Don’t say it yet angel, don’t say it out loud.

Hold it inside, your own secret to keep

Please god don’t let me talk in my sleep

Fallen so far from my cloud

Not yet angel, don’t say it out loud.

 

a new fortress

A fortress stood so very tall,

Hardened, solid kept away from the outside world.

A day of reckoning came along,

My fortress fell; someone destroyed what was once so strong

Vulnerable, weakened from battles past

Too much, too fast, no time to react.

When the walls came crumbling down on me

Who knew the fortress would be replaced so easily

A sturdy strong tree trunk rooted itself deep

Arms like branches protect during sleep

A new castle has built its way around me

Stronger than the last, no enemies can get in

 

My Girl friends and men

I've said this before I'll say it a hundred times, I have the most lovely wonderful friends anyone could ask for. The kind that stick around when you're a bitch, the ones that don't just call in on christmas but actually genuinely care about you. I have girl friends that would go to war to defend me, as I would them. I'd fight hell and it's hot coals for my girls. They are the type of girls you don't befriend out of pity but because they are good people you want in your life, and being around them makes you a better person. My girl friends are the kind of girls worthy of jealously, because they are beautiful good looking girls, not the 'fat' type, or the 'scruff' type, but really lovely looking, clean and feminine ladies. They're clever young women, with nerve and intelligence and creative elements that make them shine like celebrities. This is why I can't understand why men can't appreciate them like I do.

I know that a friend is not the same as someone you date or get into a relationship with, you can have a great friend who's a rubbish boyfriend, but these women are too good for you jackass's they are not the kind that change like the sky, they are steady and constant. Men, not all of you, fair enough I've met some decent guys, I've seen when there's a bronze coin that shines brighter than all the gold because it's real and genuine in a treasure chest of lies and deceit. But too many of you take for granted the miracle you're either being offered, or have been given. Damn it you're looking at a 100 year old scotch like its a cheap pint. My girls deserve decency, they deserve the chance to shine their light on a man worth while not you tossers that wouldn't know a once in a lifetime catch if it smacked you in the nuts!!! When you're thinking one day "why's my girlfriend a slut in front of my friends?" or "why doesn't my wife ever get anything done?" "Why's my woman a blubbering idiot?" well the answer is because you picked the wrong one, you let the best thing you were ever going to come across walk away. You idiot.

So ok, there are times when people arn't going to click, thats understandable, you don't fancy each other, you don't get on, the sparks not there, but in these cases back the hell off my girls before you do damage! Get some sodding respect, learn when to draw a line because it's not fair. How dare you treat these diamonds like knockoffs. They are not for your use and disposal, leading someone on to then utterly throw respect out of your shit car window. To grow comfortable in a relationship and start taking them for granted, because you think it's them that have it made, like hell! Pick yourselves up. A woman is a gift to you from God, we always have been. Some men treat women like they're precious, so the rest of you have no excuse. We give you everything most of the time, why can't you give half of yourselves in return?
-Rant Over

Wicca: New Tarot cards

I got my new deck of Tarot cards this morning. :-)
They still don't feel right. Damn it I want my cards back.
I've taken my mothers original deck, and despite the smell of age in them they still dont say anything to me. I need my original deck, or I need one that calls to me. I'm not seeing anything at all. :-(

So I've done a few readings on the new cards, they have been better in all fairness, but I know I need a stronger sight than this. I'm making my own major arcana, these cards should work better.

I did a reading for myself and said a name in my mind over and over as I shuffled, and drew out the cards. It wasn't to my liking...The Tower was the most vibrant card-Destruction, ending. Our friendship is destined to come to end, there is a two year pattern I've seen. It's coming up to the hitch where we have naturally drifted in the past. I don't want this, but I can't see a way to stop what seems to be so rapidly spiraling out of my control. I've seen it in the cards and I've felt it for weeks, some things are out of my control.

Confidence and getting older

I always describe myself as shy especially when meeting new people, this is starting to be a lie.
I can't believe how much I've changed, how far I've come in myself in the last few months. Compared to six months ago I'm a completely different person. I once wouldn't talk to shop assistants in a shop because I'd get nervous and tongue tied. Now I chatter away for ages and I get on with everybody. I'm friendly and bubbly and people think I'm a really confident self happy person. It's amazing but I've grown into the sort of person I always wanted to be. I'm comfortable in myself now. :-) It's a nice feeling.

I'm going to be 20 in May. I'm old! That's my first thought, damn it, but I'm also a woman and I am really branching off into life now. I like myself, I like all my friends and family, and I like my new blossoming relationship. So far this year is looking good. :-) I am actually looking forward to my birthday and leaving youth and teenage years behind.

University 3rd year

I've just completed my module selection for my 3rd year. I hope I get into the classes I've picked but I'm nervous about my 3rd year. I know social life will have to be put on standby and work will literally have to be kept at 12 hours a week maximum! I will have to work and study my ass off to get through. As if university is almost over for me. I can't believe how fast it's gone. I actually can't wait for it to all be over, I think then my life will really take off, I'll have a proper full time job I can sink myself into and hopefully will move out and away. It's shocking how fast it's all gone.

Closing Chapter

I could have faded away, I could have died
I've been honest and raw and selfish in a way
maybe I should have ignored my calling, perhaps I should have lied
but I was honest and raw and I end it now today.

God you heard me pray, you never answered me
I guess your way of telling me I was supposed to fly free
there was a moment just now I was so happy at your words
but there was a catch there always is, well I'm flying off with the birds

I do care, it's in my nature, but this is too much a part of my soul
I cannot undo what's been done, and this is everything to me you know
I end it now, I close this chapter of my life
I have a tree now so strong, so real, I'm watching it thrive

I close the book, and sit it on the shelf
a memory cherished forever, but one set aside
I have been so honest, so raw and real, I've been myself
that's it now, it's done, it's finished. It took so long but I say goodbye
it took months, it took hard work, but I'm fine. I'm fine.

Closing a chapter is never fun,
not when the book was mainly a good one,
I didn't like the ending, it was a tradegy,
but I'm glad I finished the book
I'm glad the story is within me.

Weddings

This is an odd sort of thing to blog about, but my brother is getting married, he's the last one out of my four to have a wedding and his theme is gothic victorian. The fact that i've attended quite a few weddings and am rather the romantic, I have of course put thought into what I'd like one day, if I'm so lucky to find someone who likes me so much to chain themselves to me :-)

Come on, practically every girl has thought about marriage and the 'big' day. Dont deny it, it's a girls dream. So even though I don't dwell on the idea, or talk about it daily like some girls I know, i do have a rough idea of how I'd like my wedding to pan out. My theme would be fairytale. Simple, elegant, and romantic. I picture a pretty church or a vintage looking hotel, if I had enough of a budget to splurge I'd book a hotel in the country and have my close family stay there, make it a weekend thing. I picture large white marquees, fairy lights everywhere, in the plants and around the trees, pastel colours and pastel light balloons with spiraling ribbons. Flowers everywhere and lanterns. Lanterns are a big one, I'm mad for lanterns, and every time I see one I want to buy it, and store it, just for that hopeful one day...I want my dress to be simple but pretty and white, with ruffles and lace I think. My bridesmaids would of course be my 3 best friends, who I hope and imagine I'll still have-Darcy Darling, Emzybear, Amy pigion, :-) and my nieces, all of them. Each in not one solid dark colour like most weddings, but each in a different pastel colour, light pink, light mint green, light baby blue, and so on. Each with a tiny handful of flowers to match their colour and my own bouquet  would be a selection of each colour flower :-)

I'd make everything myself, the invitations, the cake, the flower arrangements. I'd definitely do everything as cheaply as possible and I want this pretty wedding to be small and sweet. Not massive amounts of guests and not crazy expensive. I think with my creative side I could definitely do a good job. I'd want everyone to have a wonderful time and so the entire time would have to be planned perfectly. If I was lucky enough to have a weekend I imagine a welcome and settle in, then picnic outside if weather permits, tea and coffee, and cake inside if weather does not. The wedding would be the second day and with all that entails, and then the 3rd day everyone can relax, sleep in and go home at their leisure. Me and my 'husband' would stroll through the neighbouring town and enjoy the day. Doesn't this all sound very picturesque. Of course I might not be able to afford a weekend, and could easily do such a wedding locally. I most definitely want my reception held outside, and if it were to rain then so be it, I imagine there shall be the option to scuttle inside if neccesary. A little contained bonfire might be nice, hey even a BBQ! why not? :-)

I wouldn't tell people what to wear, but I'd encourage a pastel theme and it's largely regarded as rude to attend a wedding in dark clothes unless specified anyway. I imagine waist coats for any men of the wedding party, and cream top hats :-) wouldn't that be lovely. I definitely have a good idea hehe. :-P we'll see. Of course in cynical terms it's unlikely more than definite that I'll even get married, but I'd like to be someones wife one day and the above is just a note to self for the possible future. lol Maybe, someday, if...we'll see. :-)

Gone. poem

When I was a little girl, I saw a book I wanted to buy
it was Peter Pan, and beautiful, I won't ask for another thing until I die.
But silly girl, I put it down,
and by the time I turned around
someone else had come along,
and the book was gone.

When I was ten, I had a friend with orange fiery hair,
 We spent a week away together and had matching teddy bears.
Then school ended, we went our ways,
I didn't realise until the new school day
I'd lost my friend, with not a real goodbye
I just didn't realise, these things happen in life
we were such good friends, as if we were one
 and then one day she was gone.

I had a first love, he was all mine
but things change with that odd thing, Time
Not a day went by we werent each others best friend
and despite all hope, even that came to an end.
In love one moment, and then where did it come from?
I was sat alone crying, and he had gone.

I lived in a cage once, I let myself be chained
it was a complex situation, no ones really to blame
but one door closed in my life, and I watched another open
I stepped out of my cage, and I may have been broken
but I mended myself and rose up to the sky which I sit on.
A great day when I realised my cage had gone.

I had a heart not long ago,
How I lost it I'm not sure I know
and although it was a little battered and bruised
it soldiered on and packed a bag, I couldn't refuse
From my place in the sky, on the cloud that I perch on
I touched my chest for no heart beat there, even my heart had gone.

Wicca, witchcraft and me: Casting a circle

(Google image)

 



A few blogs ago I mentioned my pagan roots, so I felt like I've established enough of myself in these passages to write about my white witch hobby. From a young age my mother brought me up with witchcraft ways, rosemary at the garden gate, salt scattered at the door, that sort of thing. When I turned 12 I began studying into the pagan beliefs and rites and I took it in like another school lesson. Researching and reading into the works of many wiccan folk such as Margot Adler and Arin Murphy-Hiscock.

So here's a basic insight into my own personal wiccan nature. I don't go around calling myself a white witch or even talking about my witch craft very often, it's not a fashion statement, it's a calling. A hunger for the peace of mind that doing a spell can bring, for the gratitude you show with a ritual to bring in each season and a need to have an idea that the path you're on is the right one, to get answers before you've asked the question. I'm very much into the ability to see what hasn't yet occurred, and to be given answers by an almighty force. Wicca is about appreciating and being almost one with nature and it's wonders. It's about love and karma, and freedom, of course there are 'bad' witches lol...there's dark magic but we'll talk about that later. My wicca is basic and primal and simple.

If I cast a circle, I'm generally alone, I have rarely taken anyone into my circle. It's a complex and serious ritual and if you're not going to show respect for it the circle will be broken before it's been drawn. This reason and that I'm very rarely comfortable incorporating someone else into my 'magic' means I'm often alone. I drew a cirlce with the Key Holder once, it was at the beginning of my pagan ways, he wasn't too silly about it in all fairness, although we were 13 and it wasn't in either of our minds that I would become so attached to the Craft. I cast a spell to bind our friendship, (not love, you cannot and should not control such a thing) we waxed each others hands to seal it, I bet he doesn't even remember now. I accidently knocked over the candle, the wax spilt on the wooden floor board, oh that should have been a sign.

My circle when I'm alone is very simple, it's so much easier to cast when you're alone as you don't have to take anything but yourself into account. I often draw a circle when I'm outside, midnight usually. During an inbetween magic is at it's strongest and most vulnerable. I lay out my elements and invoke each, a candle for fire, something as water (usually tea), the air is around us but you can represent it with an incense stick, and then a gemstone or soil for earth. In all truth, in dire circumstances one can easily cast and draw without representing the elements, the elements surround us everywhere, all that is needed is fire. the only element we need to physically make. I set out my circle, sometimes drawn with chalk, or laid out with objects, I purify my circle with salt and all the while I have contained myself within it. My own made cage. It's vital you yourself do not break the circle. The moon pulls at magic like it pulls the tide, various moons suit different spells, thats much more complex. I will have my spell/rite/message already prepared. I do my thing, and call upon whoever I've decided will feature in my rite, then when it's all down I seal the spell. This can be a burial (very morbid) or a burning (more powerful) and the spell is kept upon the window sill, so the sky can see it and be reminded and it lies in an inbetween at it's strongest.

Before breaking the circle to leave I say a quick and simple prayer and blessed be to end the rite, then the circle is opened mentally and spiritually. Any breakage in a circle without such would make anything done within void basically you forfeit your spell. Any door thats opened must be closed properly, and locked for good measure.

There are a few things anyone who wants to practice wicca seriously needs, they are the following:
A pentacle -(a five pointed star within a circle)
A deck of Tarot cards-( used by no other, unless from the same bloodline, or perhaps if they came to you e.g. you found them randomly, very unlikely and if such a thing occurred never part with them!)
A key (this can be car, house, anything, but a key is needed for the 'locking' of a door)
A BOS (book of shadows. I'm not talking about Charmed! This book should be a personal diary in which you document and keep any spells you've done. Optionally but strength will grow in whats written down)
An athame- this is a double edged blade, complex magic. I don't have one yet, but desperately want one.
A wand is not the way to go! Unless you're forging your own from wood, or steel forget it! No man made wand is any good, this is not harry potter.

Now casting circles in groups can be fun, if you're lucky enough to be welcomed in by a coven, you'll find that every witch does things differently. Friends who are willing to take the whole thing seriously can have great fun, especially if you go sky clad (butt starkers naked) beneath the moon, and chant and dance for a large pagan ritual, especially if the water you represent is vodka! Hell yeah! But the circle must still be cast properly and ended properly. Some spells will call upon many people, 13 usually. Women most often, the sister hood bond is very strong, or a spell might call on particular people e.g. a man in his prime/lionhood between 20-30, a child not yet in puberty, a wrinkled woman, a free spirit, and such and such. For an animalistic spell you would need to represent animals with people, a wolf, a rabbit, a kitten, you would look around yourself and see who fit such descriptions. I know that I am a bird.  Instinct is a large part of Wicca. So yeah apart from the fact I'm a little weird, I'm totally into this stuff, and combine it with my faith in God, which most christians would spit blood about, but God knows me, we're totally on good terms, he knows how I feel about things. So that was a basic beginning, I'll expand in other blogs. :-)

A crumbling fortress poem

Well my soldiers you fought gallantly,
bravery and honour through and through
but our fortress has been plundered, we've lost this war,
surrender is definite for me and you
Our ward has been taken by the enemy, captured and stolen away
for her safety we can only hope and pray
we've lost our Heart, our dear one today.
do not mourn, my army, as we drag our sorry feet away
we couldn't fight a force so strong, it was bound to happen some day.
Damn it! my walls are down
no point letting the bells sound
they fall on deaf ears, my troops are homeward bound.
once rightous men, in their glory and steel
now they slink away, into a feeling so raw and real
I slip off my undergarments, pure white with innocence and virtue,
I raise them up, as my white flag, I surrender to you
My fortress has been torn down, a tree stands in its place
I drop my shield, my bow, my arrows, in you I put all my faith.
I led a good army, I had built a good wall, we fought a good battle for a while
but the walls crumbled, and with it we all fall, they do not seem to mind their loss,
I watch, with not a heavy heart, for it has gone, and I see my soliders smile.
well I raise my bag and lay down my command, here we go again,
We shall walk this road my soliders, for here only a crumbling fortress remains.

Dear Heart 3rd poem

Dear Heart,

 

       We spoke in heated terms last time

 

I'm sorry for being so hard, but remember I am yours and you are mine.

 

There's no stopping you I see

 

If you're broken again, don't come crying to me

 

I warned you once, I'll warn you again

 

There are devils amoung us, they're called men.

 

They string you up and throw you down

 

They drop you from a height and leave you to drown.

 

This is different I hear you say,

 

Why? How? Is this why I can't make you stay?

 

"This is raw, it's different, it's real"

 

Well how can I argue with that? If that's the way you feel.

 

I can feel you beating faster, at just the mention of a name

 

 So this is it, it's true, you're jumping back in the game

 

I'll let you go, but armour up, I still don't trust this path your on

 

I'd kiss you goodbye, but I fear it's too late, it didn't take long

 

you were lost with the fire, you were found with the key,

 

this might be where you belong, not with me

 

Tread carefully dear one, this is a new and wonderful path you're on

 

I'd say goodbye and wave you off, but it is too late, it always was, you're already gone.

Dear Heart, 2nd poem 5th April

 

Dear Heart,

 It’s been another long time since we spoke,

I hear you’re thinking of going on a journey…don’t!

I only just got you back; it took so long to find all the scattered pieces and parts

You don’t know but I certainly do, you can’t go around buying new hearts

A little lust is one thing, happiness is another,

But going away for a while is not a good idea.

I see you’re packed. You’re ready to leave

That’s what they do, they leave, don’t you see?

We’ve been through this before, stop it now you hear!

All that time meant nothing, you’re finally free

I don’t want to see you hurt again, please don’t leave me.

Last time you beat so softly, hardly at all

What if it happens all over again? It only won’t if you don’t let me fall.

Sweetheart of mine, I put you behind those walls for your own good

I thought you of anyone would have understood

My needle is blunt, my thread so bare

I cannot mend you again as well, so do take care.

Forever your guardian, I’ll watch over you do you hear?

Yours, Miss Sian Amy Siviter

 

 

 

Dear Heart 1st poem February 1st

           (Love this image from google. Really shows pain and breakage in a beautiful way)

Dear Heart,

It’s been a while. We’ve both got catching up to do,

I heard you had an accident, hell we’ve both been through a lot

But now it’s time to ride out this storm, we’ve got cracks to mend; me and you

I can hear you saying as you did before ‘fix up your makeup girl

It’s just another break up, nothing we can’t handle.”

Now it’s time for me to turn to you, and say “pull yourself together”

Now don’t go rushing to another, you beat for me you hear!

Now I’m going to pull you through, got to keep it together

Giving up is easy but you and I were raised better.

I’m signing off now, will speak to you soon, but I promise this isn’t the end

Forever here, your devoted and honest friend

-Miss Sian Amy Siviter

A hardened heart. Poem

I have a hardened heart, a battered and war scarred thing
It's suffered and struggled and survived the heartbreak men bring
I have a heart, hardened by love and it's loss and grief
hurt by pain and neglect, a war fought and by no means brief
I have since armoured my heart in iron and steel
from the risk of a second love, from which it might not heal.
I stitched and patched up the pieces, pumped molten iron inside
with nail and concrete I built a fortress around, for my little soldier to hide.

Susceptible to attacks my heart remains, my archers shoot down any who approach
I built no drawbridge to lower, I hold no white flag to wave
I take no prisoners, I have no mercy, only myself and my heart I'll save.
But damn it, against my thick stone walls there grows a weedlike root
it's vines are strong and cunning, they slip through the smallest crack
I command my army down, I lower my bows unable to shoot
but then this plant so slowly grows and pushes through, attack attack!
The roots they plunge deep, deeper still, into my tunnels, into my ground
it's branches grasp and cling to my towers, slipping in windows, until my heart is found.
Attack attack, there is a threat inside, quick retreat, retreat into the night
It's too late, the solider must rise up and fight.
No my solider you are too weak,
not yet strong enough, don't admit defeat!
sound the bells, call up to the lord, arm yourselves for war
don't drag your weapons, rise up! rise up! Don't fall. Don't fall. For god's sake don't fall.

Where we're meant to be. Poem

My feet were meant to walk on cobbled stones,
My head forever in the clouds.
My ears weren't supposed to hear the hum of the city and the cars flying past me, or my eyes to see the morbid grey gravestones of the buildings I'm caged by.
I was meant to listen to the crackle of leaves, the sweet subtle melody of silence, save for the odd high note of an animal conversation, the tinkering of church bells.
If I have the right beat in my step, the right thoughts in my head,
I can almost imagine I'm where I ought to be, I can smell the homemade bread,
I can feel the crisp clean air. Everything around me,
even the dull street I walk down now, is a mere memory.
I am transported home and this relatity right now, right here is nothing but a past image.
One day that will be true.
I was born for greater things, there's a north wind blowing me on,
the sun shines a pathway of light into the beyond
I won't give up on you Grace, even if everyone else does.
I won't give up on you until you become as real as I am.
When we stand where we're meant to be,
when we're in our rightful place, strong and free.