My heater.

I've been in this house for an hour and already I've buckled to the cold, put a fiver on the electric metre and dug out my little heater. Memories of last year were rather vivid when I dusted the little machine off and plugged it in. I remember last year, it was the beginning of next month, huddled on the floor most nights on a blanket next to the warm air, crying. It's so bloody pathetic. That day we went and got this heater was the day we split up, the Keyholder he did a decent thing, guilty as hell I guess and drove me to purchase this so I wouldn't freeze, because it really was bloody cold, he dropped me at home and drove away and that was that. I opened it up and plugged it in and huddled there crying and sobbing my wretched heart out.

I'm feeling a little bit..... 'uncomfortable' that's the word. It's just that time of year, I love October, I love Halloween, but now its slightly tainted by the memory of last year. I've been doing rather well making new memories: life experiences that have been breath taking. The heaters already taking the chill from the room, it really is grand this little machine and we've been through so much together. That little whirling machine has seen me break down in a way no one in the world not even my dearest friends or even my mother have seen. That heater has been my only comfort in some long minutes of misery when I have truly, truly sobbed until my throat hurt. I'll never cry like that again.

I'll never be over it. No one ever really gets over pain. It wasn't love, it wasn't the friendship, it wasn't even the person or the company or any of that. It's the pain that I can't forget, the memory of it that will no doubt hold me back that little bit for the rest of my life. I'll never get over that pain, and I will write about it forever. It's the only way I can deal with it.