Gone back. Poem

So many dreams get left behind

We walk away and forget

Too easily we forget,

But I have gone back to find mine

To see what hopes are left.

Parts of my soul I've given up

Why? I ask now, why? 

Too hard it is without my wings 

Too hard it is to fly 

I have gone back to look

To see if my soul is there

I have gone a while down this road

Too far and long I say

Without what matters most to me

I walked away and forgot

How easily we forget

But I have turned and gone back

A tiresome journey done over 

better than a road ending in regret. 

love and a lack of

It's very nice to feel like a man really loves you and is willing to take care of you, especially when the man whose biologically programed to care for you acts like an asshole most of the time. No love, no support not even gratitude or pride. Even when I'm in a state of agony, drugged up and more ill than I can remember being in my adult life, even then there's nothing but selfishness and the quick ability to brush me off.

I've suffered with rheumatoid arthritis since I was very young, this means that any time I get sick, or hurt or even just need to take certain medications, effects me harder than other people. You'd think someone who's watched you grow up with this affliction and heard you scream in pain and driven you to the hospital a hundred times would feel some sort of affection and compassion for you when you're clearly suffering and struggling. I know my mother loves me, she's obsessed with reminding me, but I often wonder if my dad would even notice if I were dead. Sounds rather dramatic but its true. Perhaps on some psychological level this is why I crave a strong male figure to be a part of my life. Jones is so most definitely the one. Someone I can depend on a little.

If dying is worse than this.

I cannot remember a time I was ever this ill. I can manage a short day but when it hits it hits hard. I'm sleepy, exhausted, sick feeling, cold shivering, then too hot. Both my kidneys now hurt making the pain in my back unbearable, I'm losing sleep, I feel dizzy, dehydrated, I can't express how bad I feel. 

I'm half way through my antibiotics, I still feel like I'm dying. I never ever want to have this infection again! I can't stand it. If dying is worse than this for gods sake let me go in my sleep at a grand old age. 

my path in life

I often debate whether or not I'm on the right path, it's one of the annoying thought processes that never seems to get out of my head. One day I hope to have found myself and see that I'm happy and know that I am on the right path. It's not that I'm afraid of hard work, as far as I'm concerned mentally stimulating work compared to dragging yourself half asleep around a restaurant, is a treat. I'm not worried about challenge, I'm not wary of new surroundings or new commitments. It's just when you hear people talking about passion, well passion is such a strong word, I don't care to use it often and lightly, I only have true, on fire, burning passion for two things and its always been the same; Mr Jones and writing. I've only ever wanted one thing so much that I'm sure I'll drown in disappointment if it doesn't come into being, I want to be a published author.

I know who I am, I know what makes me who I am. I'll do what I need to do because that's the appropriate and sensible thing to do, and I have no doubt I'll sink my teeth into it, but its not the passion that rages inside. My life was always meant to be half lived through the pages of a book. Nothing will ever mean as much to me, that doesn't mean I wont always put 100% effort into everything along my road, but I know what my destiny is and always has been, everything else is just part of the scenery, not the destination.

water infection :-(

Who knew too much hot and heavy sex causes a urine infection?
well, I know now!
After what was, quite literally, the BEST sex of the last 9 months, I mean the most earth shattering, scream worthy, crazy, begging to stop because I am going to die kind of sex, my god whoever says the G spot is a myth has got to be a moron, I so have one, science people are well and truly invited to check it out, anyway...after this...look I lay there mystified unable to construct a sentence, while he casually strolls out for loo roll and pops on The Walking Dead, it was..it was...it was too much! it was too good, I could not think straight.
Well I slept like a log, and then the next morning I get up bursting for the loo and am gripped by the worst burning stinging sensation I have ever experienced in my life. Cystitis: A horrible, painful, infuriating infection of the bladder.

Fast forward 6 days, I am literally dying. The left side of my back is in agony where I discovered the kidneys are, my kidneys are hurting! My pee hurts, I cant stop needing to pee. This sucks!

My point anyway is not to dwell on the fact that I am evidently dying. My point is a urine infection is not worth it! Crazy countless orgasm sex is not worth the week afterwards of pain and discomfort!

Two sides. One halves always bigger.

I'm beginning to get extremely annoyed with some of the people in my life lately. It's not that I can't take a joke or anything, I'm a fun person, but I still feel like I'm the butt sometimes, like I'm not good enough or something. I am overly mature for my age, I like things 20 year olds don't and 40 year olds do, but I'm happy. I am getting my future in order, or at least the basic plan, 'winging it' only can go so far. After uni I need to start a career, have a stable income, start saving. I don't see what's so awfully boring about that. It's all 'ha ha' jokes at my expense and mildly bored expressions, where's the support? The belief? I am getting more and more irritated by the feeling that I'm surrounded by children, and it's the people that don't grow up who I'll end up leaving behind which is a shame but its inevitable.

When you know a person very well, you're not by any chance going to love, or even like EVERYTHING about them, but I have two very distinct sides. I'm a Gemini it's natural, I have the midsomer murder, knitting and crafting, Neil Diamond, cosy comfy let's have tea and cake side...which is my favourite. And incidentally this is the side I am more of when in a committed relationship, because it's more me, and its easier to be this person.

Then there's the other side, the daaaark side lol! as if
but there is the lets get drunk till the rooms spinning, dancing like a slut in a pair of shorts side. The more carefree, 'wing it' side. I am only ever this in 3 occasions 1.) I am showing off, usually with a drink. 2.)I am single and heartbroken and getting one leg over the 'I don't care' neon sign. or 3.) I have failed something perhaps an exam and Taylor Swift's song 22 comes on, usually with a drink.
More people asked me out when I was single, why? so they could try and get in my knickers? or try and get someone else in my knickers! Helloooo! I stayed a virgin for 5 years while with someone! casual was never going to happen.
 Look I'm the same person, I'm just being MY favourite side of myself. I don't have anything to prove anymore, I don't even know what I was trying to prove. A year ago I wanted to feel ok, because I didn't, I wanted to look on top of the world because I wasn't. I was buried six feet under the mass of broken dreams and hopes and my heart. I spent a long time trying to dig myself out and look great in the process. Doesn't anyone understand it was all my way of coping, of trying to cope. It's been exactly a year this month, since K.H and my god I feel amazed at what I've done in my life since.

I think when I was doing the 'I don't care' faze, filling my calendar with everyday events and people just for the sake of it, I was trying to prove I could be the fun, carefree young person that people expected and then the Keyholder would see I could be the person he thought I didn't have inside me. Well things are different now. Well I'm just really good at lying, I have said it a thousand times, I'm a great liar/ actress is a softer word. I'm really glad I had those months of craziness because I appreciated myself more after. It was all so mentally exhausting. When I met someone I could be my real favourite self with and who loved that side I fell so easily back into being me. I am happier with myself now, I haven't got to prove anything to anyone, but in the process of all this I proved to myself that I like who I am, and the right people will like me too. 

Vibrator

Soooo, here's the story...

     I am in the usual place, doing the miss Siviter thing: Ann Summers lingerie store buying a new divine piece of white satin and black bows, it's very chic and very 1950's wife screwing a soldier fantasy. I'm at the till, and suddenly I'm pulled into a very feminine moment of being offered a new toy half price with my purchase. "The body wand is small but powerful" the woman at the counter tells me, "it's subtle and convenient to pop into your handbag and take anywhere, and it's the most popular mini gadget in the sex industry at the moment. Of course I'm intrigued, I ask exactly what it is, this firm but handsize instrument in my hand that's bringing my pulse to a height with its insistent buzzing. Was it the excitement of something new? Or the fact that it was pretty with diamontes , but I gave a shrug and let the counter lady slip one into my bag. I must admit apart from an underwater buzzing ring with a clitoris stimulates that's come in the bath with me a few times, I haven't been one for toys. This little gadget intrigued me, it felt a little naughty having it in my bag. 

I waited until the night, I waited until I was alone and with the t.v turned up, mock the week hopefully disguising any sound this gadget makes....wow shit this thing is powerful. Oh Christ it's almost jumped from my hand three times, ok I have this under control, Wow Christ! That's fast, quiet my ass, turn up the t.v. ....

 

Ok so I'll spare the details, it's not a bad little gadget, no where near as much of a buzz or a shattering experience as with mr Jones, probably more fun if someone used it on you, under a table somewhere but it wasn't that quiet! Anyway, it's turned off and put away now in my 'private drawer' until a few hours later and I'm awoken in bed by an insistent crazy buzzing, vibrating from my drawer. It's the middle of the night, pitch black and silent apart from this screeching threatening to wake the whole damn house. I almost broke my neck crashing across the room, half naked and rummaging into the drawer. The damn thing wouldn't shut up! I twisted, I turned it, I could hear the sounds of disturbance in the next room, Christ don't let my mother come bursting in now! Finally I ripped the thing in half and emptied the batteries out to stop it, practically having a heart attack I sat back down on my bed, in time to hear my mum on the other Side of the door...

"Are you awake? Your phones making a hell of a racket!" 

Small but powerful i'll say! It won't even shut off while the batteries are still in there! 

Day after Halloween

People in the neighbourhood are setting off fireworks, it's rather annoying as its raining so they should give up and Halloween was yesterday! Despite this my mood has improved greatly since a few hours ago when I was in a sulk and threatening to cancel christmas. I am now well fed, well sexed and well entertained with Lee Mack live on the t.v. Mr Jones has outdone himself, after making it through 5am mornings all week he's serviced me, lovingly, and dropped off. Hmm it was nice, it calmed my mood right down, slower and softer than usual, left me on the edge so many times and held it there deliberately before tipping me over, the bastard, but it was loving, I'll never criticise being loved. Mr Jones is sooo damn good looking especially in his sleep. (Hey the fireworks have stopped, good job! ) Considering the mans almost ten years my senior there's not a line on Jones's face and he sleeps so soundly, he looks like one of those Greek fine sculptured statues, with the roman straight nose and sleek edges, but hairy like a bear. I'm very content right now, not just because of the sex, I knew I was getting that tonight, i dont usually know, i'm usually on my tiptoes trying to decide if i should pounce or wait and see if he has a pan in mind. However after 9 months I'm becoming accustomed now to picking up on certain tones and looks that mean particular things, Jones has a look sometimes, this little semi amused, thoughtful smile that lights up his eyes and it makes me feel self conscious and giddy. He lingers. Waits while I ramble on about this and that, he waits for me to run out of things to say, all the while with that look that's making my heart feel a little erratic and then I get a nudge, or a really slow kiss or a question that sounds more like a command, and I'm tumbled over and the entire atmosphere of the room has shifted, this is my favourite initiation, it reminds me of the first time. 

Anyway I could talk all bloody night about sex, if you're squeamish about sex then remove yourself from my blog because I really am obsessed and I mention it, a lot! 

What I was getting to was, I am very happy, because I like it here. I like being here with Jones where it's quiet and peaceful and no one is knocking my door and bothering me. No noise. This is my sanctuary. And I like nights like this, when Jones loves me, satisfies my lust and sleeps soundly at my side with one hand on my hipbone and I'm blogging so carefully on the iPad trying not to disturb that heavy hand, nights when he's all mine and no noise or people are intruding through any of life's technology. Just us, in this sanctuary and I feel warm and cosy and there's no unpleasant noise. Tomorrow I have work but tonight I'm snuggling in with Jones and I get to spoon all night!