Today I cried for the first time in front of Jones from genuine emotion and misery and not just the crocodile tears that come from watching Forest Gump. I had that dream, the one I wrote about earlier and it haunted me for the rest of the morning. I was thinking about Brett and the fact that I miss him and barely if ever hear from him these days. I was snapping and Jones noticed, then my voice clogged up and I'm retreating into the bathroom to be alone. I hate crying. I hate being upset. The weakness of the human body when faced with overwhelming emotions pisses me off. We're to built to survive so much and yet we break down when we're upset. Jones did something rather unexpected and rather nice which was to get up and cuddle me. It took a few seconds for me to except the embrace and cry a little on his shoulder, moisture from my nose dribbling onto his shirt.
He doesn't understand why I miss Brett because he doesn't fully understand my inner fears and hang ups. But at least he did the appropriate thing. This was the first time I demonstrated a real weakness. I've been a little angry, and I've been annoyed and hit a few childish temper tantrums a few times but I've never had a crying moment and thankfully this episode didn't last long. I pull myself together rather quickly when someone is comforting me, because I feel god awful being upset in front of anyone. I never wanted Jones to see that side of myself with puffy shadowed eyes and miserable barely audible mumbles but I suppose it was going to happen eventually. I fell in love with him a bit more during that big masculine hug. Perhaps it's even pushed me roughly over the point of no return.
When you like someone so much because they are simply the only person you can tolerate on a daily basis and they're your favourite person to talk to that you pray every night to God to keep them alive. It's like owning a god damn goldfish! I'm not even 100% certain about God but I'm praying to some almighty being! Just keep him safe and alive and with me.
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