I decided sifting through my blog that it might be nice for new readers who don't feel like trawling through early posts to read a selection of the blog posts I wrote in the beginning of my romance with My Mr Jones. :-) So here's a selection that tells the start of our story.
The
Randomer:
I can’t go any longer without blogging about this!! So Let me fill you in...
I was not very surprised when a randomer messaged me on facebook regarding bootcamp something or other… I was getting a few strangers talking to me ever since my status glared out 'SINGLE' they were regularly popping up, as referred to before, like daffodils. I was polite I hope, and friendly as normal but didn’t think anything of this particular conversation with another randomer. In truth I forgot the whole thing and Monday night arrives and I’m an irritated huff rapidly getting ready for fitness. My usual sport clothes had done a bunk and I was freaking that I had to resort to the most god awful T-shirt but then again, it’s fitness it’s not a big deal. Makeup could sod off too. Once I met with the sisters my mood rapidly changed direction and we walked into the hall laughing at something or other. Why I always seem to walk through the door first is beyond me, and I always smile like an absolute weirdo when approaching a crowd. None the less, we were there as usual and the group was bigger but I didn’t really pay attention, I was rattling on about something I imagine. I just don’t pick up on things! So when Chrissie starts whispering to me five minutes later…
“Who’s the new guy?, he keeps staring over.”
My reaction was a comical… “What? Who? Where?”- Look in indicated direction for a millisecond “I dunno him.” …. “Oh wait” double look, ooo facebook randomer? Jam tarts are featuring vividly in my mind now, an after impression in my mind of said conversation, “He’s this randomer off facebook.” I explained.
Stacey chips in, wants to know what’s occurring.
“Tight T-shirt guy, 12 O’clock, got the hots for Sian.”-Chrissie
“Don’t be stupid!” –me
“He does. Stacey watch him, dun he keep looking.” -Chrissie
“For god’s sake!” –me
Anyway…continue throwing heavy ball to floor and ok so my attention wasn’t completely on task. But now I was conscious of randomer, I looked over about once, or twice..ish. Hmm what’s he even doing here? Chap doesn’t look like he needs to be at a little fitness class, that’s mainly featuring young mothers and neighbours. Hmmm, T-shirt does look ridiculous, I actually got the giggles at one point, then felt like a bitch, I looked god awful at that moment! He was tall though, I like tall. Shit he just looked, did he see me look? I wasn’t looking! I was assessing. Don’t look again, just focus on the floor. Broad shoulders, I like broad shoulders, oh for god’s sake looked again! By now okay I’d looked a little bit, but still thinking total randomer!
What happened then, Bootcamp man knocks over a stool that’s as old as the country, I make a comment “Oi! That stools been here since I was at school!” I was quite amused, but seriously that stools an artefact! Was I subconsciously trying to draw attention to myself? No!
There’s a chuckle and then “I remember it being there when I was here! That's old”
I look up and oh Christ, it’s him. It's the tight T-shirt randomer.
“Hmmm” That’s what I said, yeah good one Sian, just say hmm all the time! Quick say something else ...“It’s ancient! lol”
:-O God! Where do you get this stuff from Sian? It’s ancient!? don’t say anything else for god’s sake, lol- cringe, when did I turn into a walking facebook status? Chrissie’s there and she’s eyeing randomer and then eyeing me, and I’m thinking, just look at the floor. That’s my comfort zone, let’s just look at the floor.
Finally walk back home in the cold and we’re all having a giggle about fallen stool and randomer.
“You think he was trying to start a conversation?”-Stacey
“Doubt it.”- Me
“Yeah right, he definitely had a thing for Sian. I kept watching after and he was looking.” -Chrissie
“He wasn’t” –Me, frankly usually it’s a vest and fitted sport trousers not the lumpy god awful stuff I wore that week. I couldn’t imagine being looked at in a good light. If anything I'd probably done a grand job of changing the dudes mind, well I think he was too old to be referred to as a dude, not that he was ancient or anything, why do I care, I don't know him. He wasn't interested. He wasn't.
I was surprised when I saw a facebook message from the randomer the moment I logged on at home. Excluding awkward ‘stool’ moment we hadn’t said a word to each other at the class. However, I replied…fitness talk, food talk…I mention my healthy eating and get “one healthy meal does not good nutrition make!”
What!? Who is this tool? >:-/ Who talks like that, his word lexis is mimicking Shakespeare. That's a bit weird.
Oh he just said he thinks I’m ‘rather nice looking’, bit of a flush then, in my green baggy shirt! Really, what do I say to that? Let’s just say thank you. Oh Jesus he’s said it again, backing up the last comment, I don’t know what to say. Woman! He’s referring to me as a woman, since when am I a woman? Further along, this guy talks as if he’s as ancient as the stool, he doesn’t look that old,…Hmm might have to stalk for an age. Hang on a minute, no I am not! I doubt we shall even speak again after this. Oh god, it’s been a few hours? Where’s that time gone?
I mention country music, now from previous experience people are instantly put off by my music taste, without hesitation. I throw in a few names. LOL he won’t know these people. Time for bed, that’s the end of that.
Next day rolls along:
Oh my god, he’s youtubed my music, he likes some of it, I think I’m going to die. Genuine real comments on various Kenny Chesney songs, then it didn’t stop there, as if he just mentioned Toby Keith, and Miranda Lambert. I’ve died at this moment. As if he’s gone and listened and actually discovered stuff on his own. I think that was it for me to be honest, interest sky rocketed. But no, this is a randomer who must be 30 something, he talks like a descendant from a museum sculpture and I should probably stop this conversation. It's totally inappropriate. I am going to stop this conversation.
Ok so frankly, it’s really, really hard to stop talking to somebody who always says something you’re interested in. Every time I decided that I was going to drift off this conversation that had progressed to being an ongoing everyday occurrence, something would trigger my interest and I can’t not reply!! I have family members I don’t talk to this much! Sian he could be a serial killer, a random bootcamp serial killer…. He’s reading my blog!!!! In a few days this randomer has done more for me that means something than the Key Holder ever did in 6 years!! I think I’m getting over my head here, I really should establish friend zone, but he’s so nice! I’m actually enjoying this, I really should stop. If he’s a serial killer does it really matter? I mean country music, and america and stuff, and reading my blog! Serial killers don't read blogs!
Holy crap. He has a license for a motorbike. I’m gone, I’m tipped over the edge now. That’s it, it’s out of my hands. I've dreamt about a man on a motorbike since I was like six!
He’s started a blog, I’m on there, fully alive in written form. I’ve never known anyone to write about me before. He totally fancies me! OMG, isn't that awful, what am I supposed to say now, I don't fancy him do I? It's so inappropriate, what would my mother say? Christ I must discover how old this guy is. What's my limit 30? maybe push it to 35... :-/ it really doesn't matter, I don't fancy him, this is going no further. Maybe I shouldn't go to bootcamp fitness Monday. Hmmmm
I've bought new clothes for Monday's fitness class. Monday came along too fast. Okay so I was still thinking that nothing was going to occur, but last week I looked a state ok! So it’s totally understandable and in no way crazy that I went on a bit of a pre bootcamp make over, new hair dye, new sport clothes (I needed them anyway), little bit of makeup, I don’t want to go. I’m going to look like an idiot. I feel dizzy. I'm not going to go. I'm going to cancel.
“Stacey you go in first!”
Look at floor, look at Emma, pay money, quick glance round, oh sigh of relief! He’s not here yet. What! wait, what is he's not coming! I have dyed my hair! What if he doesn't turn up. Standing by the wall I’m really trying to listen to my groups chatter without looking around, I’m not looking, he might not come,
hmm if I angle my head and look in the window I might see a reflection of the room and see if he’s here yet, oh stop it! He’s there oh god. Look at floor, look at floor. Look at bootcamp man demonstrating, look at curtains, look at floor…anywhere but in that left hand corner! Listen to your group chattering, don’t look round, he’s probably not looked once. Seriously it’s not a big deal, it’s just…CHRIST! I’ve sodding dropped my water bottle, everywhere. Crap. I’m going to die.
The sisters keep nudging me, “Go and talk to him.”
“I’m not going over!”
End of bootcamp finally, let’s get out of here before I make an idiot of myself. He’s got people around him, he's absolutely surrounded by women! unbelievable. I am not going over, I am going to sneak out. He won’t notice me leave. Arrr he’s noticed…
“Sian! Blog”
What happened to my tongue? I don’t know, but a very pathetic wave is all I managed seriously. Stacey’s kicking off
“Did you even speak to him once!!”
“I waved.”
a wave is practically saying something isn't it? I mean body language speaks. Cringe, I am so completely pathetic.
On the other hand, oh my god he spoke to me, he spoke to me!! Lol like two words but he said my name!!! He knows my name, was I dribbling? I hope not. He said it right! He said Sharn, not Ci anne, or sean, he said my name.
Yeah so I was on my laptop instantly. He had said 'blog' that meant to check out his blog, even I was not that slow to understand. I go on his blog.
Heaven is where that post is. A poem about me…about me! Actual real me. As if! It’s rather good, oh my god! Tingle tingle tingle…this is movie worthy. I might just melt now. I gotta ring somebody!
“Chrissie! The randomer, he’s written a poem about me!.. yeah it’s on his blog, yeah it’s obvious, it’s amazing. I can’t believe it.”
“He is nice, because I was proper checking him out this week, T-shirt was better as well.”
“It’s so lovely; I’ll send you the link.”
So yeah, that was my moment, I felt a real glow, a genuine butterfly flutter. I’m big on tingles, and that was a tingle. That was a full fledged tingle!!!
I think I like him.
I haven’t smiled this much in a long time. That’s all I need to say for most people to understand.
First Date:
A bubble bath, the careful and precise glide
of a razor, moisturise, dry hair, try and do something with hair, fail, leave
hair down, makeup minimal, lipstick on, change mind- rub lipstick off, tights
on, tights off, 1st dress, 2nd dress, tights back on, 3rd
dress, 4th dress, back to 1st, settle with 3rd, perfume, bag, should I
have put more makeup on? -Too late now.
Rain, it had to rain, wrong restaurant, right restaurant,
great music, don't talk too much Siviter! Don't be silent, just relax, have a
drink, don't spill food, don't spill food, why did waitress have to come when
my mouth is full, get chatty with waitress, stop talking to the
waitress Siviter! Don't knock anything over, talk talk
talk talk talk, crap we're gonna be late for the film :-) movie, dorky glasses,
favourite seats :-) talk talk talk, so easy to talk
:-) Don't over talk!.........
Home, a
secret gift.....hmmm, now that's what you call a tingle.
It’s after
midnight, and the dress is off
But the
Cinderella magic remains, inside a silver box.
A white
knight came riding, on a horse of steel and chrome
He stole
back what once was mine, and really I should have known
It didn’t
take a glass slipper, or a fairytale to make me smile,
Just a
little silver box and a message worthwhile.
A Gentleman:
I'm rather amazed that after a handful of weak daffodils, a seedling has bloomed and I'm getting attached quite quickly. Too quickly. I have actually told myself to put a lock and key on areas of myself which I'm struggling to do!!! Because I'm letting myself fall too hard too fast maybe. It's really hard to hold back when you're completely utterly absorbed into someone and to not be bored in a guys company is amazing me!!! Actually feeling like I'm up to scratch is also a nice feeling. It's an even better feeling when i can see these gentlemanly traits shining through all the time and little romantic gestures are naturally occurring; a little silver box, a quick public kiss, hand holding for a long time, these silly things to a reader are dream like to me. Of course all this would be a downward spiral of pointlessness if a certain kind of attraction didn't exist, what we ladies have opted to call 'The Spark' if there was no spark, no need, or even craving for a little more, then all the above would be irrelevant...but that's there too. It's odd for me to feel like this, I can't remember feeling this sort of feeling before...I'm not sure if that's because there's a genuine compatibility and boxes are being ticked or if frankly this daffodil just has a bloody good idea of what he's doing!! It's probably a bit of both. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm totally lost. I'm actually useless I think but who cares he's good enough for the both of us! In three kisses I've felt more than I ever did in my life before. It's terribly exciting. My innocence to his experience maybe? -Now that sounds Jane Austen, but how else am I meant to phrase it?! That's got to have some bearing, I just don't know where I'm letting myself fall, addiction is never a good thing, but I don't intend to stop it anyway. I've fallen off the waggon haven't I? Christ. This is great, this is bad, this is out of my control. This is fun. lol Siviter, you think too much.
A hardened heart poem:
I have a hardened heart, a battered and war scarred thing
It's suffered and struggled and survived the heartbreak men bring
I have a heart, hardened by love and it's loss and grief
hurt by pain and neglect, a war fought and by no means brief
I have since armoured my heart in iron and steel
from the risk of a second love, from which it might not heal.
I stitched and patched up the pieces, pumped molten iron inside
with nail and concrete I built a fortress around, for my little soldier to hide.
Susceptible to attacks my heart remains, my archers shoot down any who approach
I built no drawbridge to lower, I hold no white flag to wave
I take no prisoners, I have no mercy, only myself and my heart I'll save.
But damn it, against my thick stone walls there grows a weedlike root
it's vines are strong and cunning, they slip through the smallest crack
I command my army down, I lower my bows unable to shoot
but then this plant so slowly grows and pushes through, attack attack!
The roots they plunge deep, deeper still, into my tunnels, into my ground
it's branches grasp and cling to my towers, slipping in windows, until my heart is found.
Attack attack, there is a threat inside, quick retreat, retreat into the night
It's too late, the solider must rise up and fight.
No my solider you are too weak,
not yet strong enough, don't admit defeat!
sound the bells, call up to the lord, arm yourselves for war
don't drag your weapons, rise up! rise up! Don't fall. Don't fall. For god's sake don't fall.
A crumbling fortress poem:
Well my soldiers you fought gallantly,
bravery and honour through and through
but our fortress has been plundered, we've lost this war,
surrender is definite for me and you
Our ward has been taken by the enemy, captured and stolen away
for her safety we can only hope and pray
we've lost our Heart, our dear one today.
do not mourn, my army, as we drag our sorry feet away
we couldn't fight a force so strong, it was bound to happen some day.
Damn it! my walls are down
no point letting the bells sound
they fall on deaf ears, my troops are homeward bound.
once righteous men, in their glory and steel
now they slink away, into a feeling so raw and real
I slip off my undergarments, pure white with innocence and virtue,
I raise them up, as my white flag, I surrender to you
My fortress has been torn down, a tree stands in its place
I drop my shield, my bow, my arrows, in you I put all my faith.
I led a good army, I had built a good wall, we fought a good battle for a while
but the walls crumbled, and with it we all fall, they do not seem to mind their loss,
I watch, with not a heavy heart, for it has gone, and I see my soldiers smile.
well I raise my bag and lay down my command, here we go again,
We shall walk this road my soldiers, for here only a crumbling fortress remains.
Don’t say it out loud poem:
Hold
it back, bite your lips
Don’t
admit you’ve slipped
Falling
asleep it’s there
Too
fast, too raw, too rare
Fallen
from my cloud
Don’t
say it yet angel, don’t say it out loud.
Hold
it inside, your own secret to keep
Please
god don’t let me talk in my sleep
Fallen
so far from my cloud
Not
yet angel, don’t say it out loud.
If this was all a dream:
If I were to wake up now, had all this been just a dream
Would I cry and breakdown, would I beg and shake and scream?
Have I lost myself in this so far along the road
That If I woke up now I'd miss this feeling I now hold?
Would I try and find my way back? would I fail and crumble?
Would I walk down the road, to see if you were really there?
If I were to wake up now, how much would I care?
If I woke up from this dream, would you wake up somewhere?
Or would you wait there for me to come back to you?
If I were to wake up now, had this all been just a dream
I wonder how far back in time I'd go, how long have I been asleep?
I wouldn't go back to my old life, I wouldn't forget all that's new
I would look at him and wish he were you.
I would have lost this glow I have, but the memory would remain
If I woke up now, nothing would ever be the same.
I'd gather up my friends, and tell them how loved they are
Before I went to sleep, they didn't hear it enough.
I'd throw away that cage and the keys with it too,
Learn to stand on my own two feet
But could I learn to be without you?
In my dreams I had a solider, a tree, a daffodil
I had a wolf to make me hot at night
I had friends I'd die for, and I was made up of a burning light
Don't let me wake, if this is just a dream
I'd rather sleep forever in his arms, than wake into reality.
Fallen in Love...I swore this wouldn't happen.
I swore to myself well over half a year ago now that I would never let myself fall so deeply again that I'd lose focus and control, I was so adamant that I wouldn't let myself ever become vulnerable like that again, because frankly the pain of being abandoned by your best friend is just too raw and too real an agony to face twice. I said I would remain in control, and always one step back, I wouldn't throw myself to the wind but stay steady and strong and withdrawn to an extent. I wasn't going to fall fully in love again, I would be the one who loved less and held back. I broke my own promise to myself and I cant quite figure out when this happened. Loving someone and knowing you're incomplete without them are two very different things, I was perfectly happy and content to feel myself in love and loved back, but this...this god awful burning like I've lived my whole life with him and not realised it, well it's pissing me off. This is a deeper sort of love than I was prepared for. I swore I wouldn't let this happen, I never wanted to lose focus and let myself become so attached that I risked the pain of not being good enough to keep again. If I could freeze-frame the last so many months and pick out the moments that past me by but clearly impacted on my heart I would scrutinise them until I saw what the hell has brought me to this.
I can't believe I was so desperately serious about holding back myself and my feelings just for love to get the better of me anyway. I didn't allow this! I don't want to be so much in love I can hardly think about anything else, I don't want to feel this lost just because I'm spending one day without him, it's not right to miss someone that much!! Some idiots think its soppy and cute, and what makes a romance, it's not! it's awful and I know it's too late to change it. The fear of falling has never scared me, it's the fear of hitting the cold hard ground and being left alone to bleed out that's really plaguing my mind. Is love supposed to make you feel this out of control? How did you let this happen Siviter? I swear a week or maybe more ago you were in control, and you were still if, and maybe, and perhaps, and you were withdrawn, not to a noticeable degree but still we knew we could walk away and be ok. that's gone now. I'd rather have my wings ripped out than walk away of my own choosing. I've definitely gone overboard, and I can't swim. At some point you've handed yourself over like a sacrifice waiting to be slaughtered...forever is just a word, and words mean nothing but the value the listener puts to them, which is not always on level with the giver, words mean nothing. I guess I still feel like I'm not good enough to keep. Maybe that feeling will stay with me the rest of my life.
Hard to hold back:
If I were to wake up now, had all this been just a dream
Would I cry and breakdown, would I beg and shake and scream?
Have I lost myself in this so far along the road
That If I woke up now I'd miss this feeling I now hold?
Would I try and find my way back? would I fail and crumble?
Would I walk down the road, to see if you were really there?
If I were to wake up now, how much would I care?
If I woke up from this dream, would you wake up somewhere?
Or would you wait there for me to come back to you?
If I were to wake up now, had this all been just a dream
I wonder how far back in time I'd go, how long have I been asleep?
I wouldn't go back to my old life, I wouldn't forget all that's new
I would look at him and wish he were you.
I would have lost this glow I have, but the memory would remain
If I woke up now, nothing would ever be the same.
I'd gather up my friends, and tell them how loved they are
Before I went to sleep, they didn't hear it enough.
I'd throw away that cage and the keys with it too,
Learn to stand on my own two feet
But could I learn to be without you?
In my dreams I had a solider, a tree, a daffodil
I had a wolf to make me hot at night
I had friends I'd die for, and I was made up of a burning light
Don't let me wake, if this is just a dream
I'd rather sleep forever in his arms, than wake into reality.
Fallen in Love...I swore this wouldn't happen.
I swore to myself well over half a year ago now that I would never let myself fall so deeply again that I'd lose focus and control, I was so adamant that I wouldn't let myself ever become vulnerable like that again, because frankly the pain of being abandoned by your best friend is just too raw and too real an agony to face twice. I said I would remain in control, and always one step back, I wouldn't throw myself to the wind but stay steady and strong and withdrawn to an extent. I wasn't going to fall fully in love again, I would be the one who loved less and held back. I broke my own promise to myself and I cant quite figure out when this happened. Loving someone and knowing you're incomplete without them are two very different things, I was perfectly happy and content to feel myself in love and loved back, but this...this god awful burning like I've lived my whole life with him and not realised it, well it's pissing me off. This is a deeper sort of love than I was prepared for. I swore I wouldn't let this happen, I never wanted to lose focus and let myself become so attached that I risked the pain of not being good enough to keep again. If I could freeze-frame the last so many months and pick out the moments that past me by but clearly impacted on my heart I would scrutinise them until I saw what the hell has brought me to this.
I can't believe I was so desperately serious about holding back myself and my feelings just for love to get the better of me anyway. I didn't allow this! I don't want to be so much in love I can hardly think about anything else, I don't want to feel this lost just because I'm spending one day without him, it's not right to miss someone that much!! Some idiots think its soppy and cute, and what makes a romance, it's not! it's awful and I know it's too late to change it. The fear of falling has never scared me, it's the fear of hitting the cold hard ground and being left alone to bleed out that's really plaguing my mind. Is love supposed to make you feel this out of control? How did you let this happen Siviter? I swear a week or maybe more ago you were in control, and you were still if, and maybe, and perhaps, and you were withdrawn, not to a noticeable degree but still we knew we could walk away and be ok. that's gone now. I'd rather have my wings ripped out than walk away of my own choosing. I've definitely gone overboard, and I can't swim. At some point you've handed yourself over like a sacrifice waiting to be slaughtered...forever is just a word, and words mean nothing but the value the listener puts to them, which is not always on level with the giver, words mean nothing. I guess I still feel like I'm not good enough to keep. Maybe that feeling will stay with me the rest of my life.
Hard to hold back:
I just don't understand why it's so bloody hard to hold back. From the start this randomer has drawn everything out of me, extracting piece by piece with precision. I never meant for that conversation to go further than one night, nor for that first date to go so well or that I'd talk so much, I'm usually so quiet, or to give up my virginity in a few weeks like some pagan sacrifice! I didn't mean to fall in so deep, if at all! and this is all still exceedingly frustrating.
I enjoy everything too much. Not just a general spending time with this person sort of thing, but listening to every word, loving every simple touch, I'm still not used to the way things are now. I knock things over and it doesn't matter. I ramble on and he listens intently. I'm granted plenty of attention, I'm allowed space when I want it...I'm basically a well pampered animal. All the things over the years I learnt to be my faults that I tried to box away, they're what makes up the real me and I don't have to try and edit out anything from myself anymore. Which is great but it's also hard to get used to. The more I spend time with him the more of myself comes out and he doesn't seem to mind. It makes me question how long was I actually pretending to be someone I wasn't, and why did I ever lower myself to such standards.
I miss him on an hourly rate, just a general can't wait till I can see and touch again. I never missed anyone like that before. Its like I'm on sodding life support, and seeing him is my daily intake of an oxygen supply. Damn it I was supposed to be trying to reign in my ever falling emotions.
how much have I loved you all my life?
were you waiting for me? the way I waited each night
not knowing what I waited for, not knowing you were the light
how long have I been yours? how long have you been mine?
because I'm sure I've known you forever, through the ages of time.
when did we first meet? was it really just the other day?
I'm so certain I see in you a million lifetimes away
I have no memories, but this feeling inside
I've known you for many years and theres nowhere to hide
if I die tomorrow, I'll find you in the next life
as I have each time before, I sense it deep inside.
I am yours and you are mine
find me in the next life.
I had a broken heart that I mended on my own,
I had a cage that has been opened up,
I had a fortress that's been broken into
and I had a patch of daffodils that were pretty enough
until a really bright one came along that turned into an evergreen tree.
I had a half dead pair of wings that have been re-made
and I had a Christians virginity that has now been given freely.
I now have a heart worth keeping,
I have an air balloon to ride,
I have a sky to fly in,
I have a thriving tree of life,
I have a pair of wings grown and forged by my own hand,
I have an umbrella of a childhood dream under which I can stand
I have so much wonder in my life, I'll never forget it again
be it sun, or wind, or snow, or even heavy falling rain
I'll never sink again, I'll never forget again.
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