The bus.

So the bus came. I'm really in no position not to board. Tears are wretched bloody things. The silent type. The worst type. Big fat quiet tears rolling down cheeks that ache with the effort of holding in a sob. Getting upset is really not going to solve any of this so just pull yourself together and get composed. I don't want anyone to know I'm upset, reduced to tears by this because I know what they'll all say, they'll be supportive and tell me what I think is best but it's not. What I think doesn't really count anymore, not in the real life. By the time anyone in my inner circle reads this it will be too late and these stupid wretched tears wont matter. It's not the most awful thing in the world, but I don't want to do it all the same. It feels wrong, it doesn't feel like me. I wanted them to say no and turn me away. I have to pull myself together. I hate crying. Crying solves absolutely nothing.