Sunday, 24 January 2016

January Fat.

Being hungry is terrible.
Feeling fat is about as worse.
I think women feel the emotion behind weight differently to men. As a woman you feel upset and lack confidence because you don't match others or your own expectation of what you should look like, but you're so hungry, and you crave all the wrong things. Then you feel angry and upset that you can't have those things, you can't fill that empty space. If you struggle on it's exactly that...a struggle. If you cave then you're worse off than when you started because that packet of biscuits, that extra portion of fries, it all mounts on bit by little bit.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it really because the media presents us an idea we desperately want to match? Or because New Health Magazine says it's good for you and your health to change your lifestyle? Bullshit. Is it because we want someone to look at us and feel something positive? To be looked at and admired? Is that so shallow? Is it because the media and men and every second person out there has made us terrified of being undesirable?
I know for sure life seemed easier when I was a set, consistent size 8. But that was seven years ago, and if you learn anything growing up at the bottom of working class it's that nothing comes for free.

For me, I dislike my face. *Shrug* It is what it is...people didn't call me ugly for the first eighteen years of my life for nothing. I wouldn't agree with ugly, that's harsh. Plain is a kinder word. I can't afford surgery, and yes...I would pay to change my face if I could so knock that judgemental expression off your face if you disagree with cosmetics. I can change my body. I've kind of thought since I turned nineteen that if I kept my body looking "Woah!" then it would distract from what's going on above the shoulders.

I have my ups and downs you know...sometimes I feel fine about my body, but it only takes one person to make you feel fat and suddenly you're bothered by this idea daily. I've put on two extra inches around my middle section. This may not sound like much but it's the difference between being comfortable with your stomach and not daring let it peep out to the public! Your skirts get longer, your sweaters get bigger and you shrink in on yourself like a turtle.

This is what has spurred my January change. Someone's made me feel overweight and the measuring tape has confirmed the boogie man of pounds has sneaked up on me over winter. I'm babbling, I know. I just needed to get this out. I'm so hungry. I'm angry that this extra weight doesn't feel ok. I'm upset that while wearing my favourite dress last night I continuously felt conscious of what those extra inches looked like. Going to wrap this up now...I've ranted, I can't count how many women are likely out there this January feeling similar and are right now unsatisfied and hungry for something. You are not alone. I am not alone in this.

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