Wednesday, 30 March 2016

The Shadow in my life

There's a person in my life, who hangs like the shadow of an unwanted guest at a funeral. You can't ask them to leave, you feel obliged by them, but also at certain moments, you need them. You resent needing them but you always will occasionally.

This shadow follows me, it lingers in areas of my life I have left behind while trying to influence those decisions I have yet to make. It tries to hold me back in the darkness of the past, keep me frightened of the creature under the bed. It needs me to need It.

I feel suffocated and angry, because I need to breathe. This shadow haunts the doorsteps of those around me, sneaks distrust and ridiculousness into their words. I feel guilty for growing up. I feel wrong for standing alone. They don't understand. They pick and choose what to see and hear.

I can't pick and choose. I love this person like one loves a favourite old teddy bear, you used to need it, you couldn't imagine a time you'd be without it, but time has gone by, you've grown up. You leave the teddy behind, though you still hold it affectionately in your heart, you don't want it with you now. So the teddy becomes the shadow, the creature under the bed, grappling at you, trying to snatch you back.

You can't go back. You can't stop growing up, especially when it happened several years ago.

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