Monday, 30 May 2016

Losing it again

I've only been in these four walls for a day and I am tearing my hair out. I feel like a stranger in someone else's house. The older I've gotten the less patience I have, the longer I hold grudges, the more I detest peoples interference and opinions. I am sick to death with people telling me what I can and can't do. What I am and what I'm not. What I should do and shouldn't do. I'm sick of it! I don't care how 'well meant' it is, because I didn't ask for your advice. I don't care how much you think you are 'looking out for the best for me' because I did not seek out your opinion.

I cannot stand being spoken over anymore, my words shunted and what I was going to say is irreverent because they can fill the gaps themselves with what they think I am going to say. I sit in these situations and my head is spinning because I don't fit here.

I'm sick of people putting false words in my mouth.
"Yeah but you're obviously not going to have kids"
"You're not interested in America"
"You're not going to move far"
"You're not going to be able to get a house"
"You don't eat stuff like that"
"You can't climb that mountain"
"You don't like dogs"
"You wont cope in that situation"

On and on and on....the more I seem to accomplish, the less these people believe I can do. This makes no sense to me. Are they in denial? Why am I not taken seriously? I feel like I can't say anything without being looked at and spoken to as if I am five playing at being 'grown-ups'.

If it's not my life choices it's the fact that I dye my hair...I feel like screaming at people that I am a grown woman! It would do no good. There are, now, only two people I am close to and feel I can talk to without fearing judgement or having what I've said twisted and turned and repeated to someone else. Those two people are Pidgin and Jones.

If I mention cutting back on sweet treats to Pidgin she doesn't start spreading around that I am anorexic and dissecting my motives. If I don't want a dirty footed dog climbing over my clean and new dress these two doesn't start spouting crap that I don't like dogs. If I travel to a famous city for a weekend break it does not mean I don't like the wilderness and have no interest travelling around more rural places. Where do these assumptions come from?

It's all absurd! and I am unfortunately crammed into the middle whenever I am in these four walls. So I escape, I stay away as often, for as long as I can. Connie is my respite place.

I think I would have run mad in the head if I hadn't found Connie when I did.

No comments:

Post a Comment