When I say claustrophobic I don't just mean a fear of being put in a small space, I can feel closed in by life, by my own issues, and by my feelings. If I feel that something is getting the better of me I feel suffocated, imprisoned and that's what I don't like. I was so determined that I'd remain in control, I told myself that feelings could be a choice, I could choose how much to give and how much to take back. Give a little and take it back, that was the plan. I was going to be ruthless and in command, and it would be someone else's heart that risked getting hurt this time, not mine, not ever again. But that resolution slipped out of my hands at some point, and I've only realised this now.
Well I wont have it. I don't have puppet strings to cut anymore, but I've been given wings and I can fly away. I need my emotions to step back for their own good, just put your hands out and break the fall before you get damaged. I wish I could see how I let this happen, when love became deeper than I was at all ready for. Well I'm stepping back now. Just a little, because I'm not ready to throw my heart down a deep dark drain again, not for it to be smashed up at the bottom. I just want to be in control, so I know it wont hurt as badly again.
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