I know why i lost my temper the other day. poem

Thunder in the rain
I know why I lost my temper the other day
It's because I saw you, I looked right at your face
blunt scissors at my wrist couldn't have stung more
 lighter and oil, like poison in my vein
reminding me of agony, the kitchen floor, pain,
every memory like a tear burning down my face
all that time, all those years, such a waste.
such a damn waste!
I saw you and I felt sick, choking on a breath
all the times I crumbled, all the times I wept
for you, you bastard, you weren't worth the time
you were worthless, you were never really mine
Everything I closed away came flooding back so fast
it hurt like hell to watch you walk past
all those nights I cried myself to sleep
missing my best friend
wishing I'd been good enough to keep
I was drowning right then, in memories of the past.
What if it happens again, that's all I could think
what if this pain is waiting in sleep
what if it's coming back, coming back to hurt me.
If he walks away like you did before
how will I fix my heart, when I love him more.
the fear was like water, filling my lungs
it haunted me all day, it rocked me to and fro
drowning in the pain of yesterday,
screaming with the fear of tomorrow.
Fear makes me suffocated,
I ran away instead of toward
I left him standing at the door
because the memory you gave me hurt,
and I'm scared of loving him this much more.