Feeling hormonal, there's no reason for this! Perhaps it's just because a lot is going on right now, there's a lot of uncertainty in the air and I'm doing such a brilliant job of not letting it overwhelm me before I know where I stand.
I'd appreciate knowing where my near future lies, I'd appreciate a paycheque...I'd love to feel a little bit of money in my hand, I'd love to know I could buy a washing machine because needless to say that issue still hasn't been resolved and lugging bags of laundry to my brothers houses is growing terribly tedious and humiliating. It's going to be a little over two more weeks before I know whether my foot is in the door or not. The thing is no matter what else I might think or say, genuinely and rooted deep down where I am trying to keep a door closed...I really want this. I want to win, to achieve this because it's one of the only things that's come my way in a while.
The main reason I want this is because if I do succeed I will know for the rest of my life that my first foot in the doorway of life was achieved on my own, by my own means, and I did it all by myself. I didn't have a finger pointed for me in the right direction, no connections, no help. I had no relative holding out a helping hand, no one opened the door for me, or helped me through. I did it all by myself.
I searched, found, pursued, pushed, excelled, excelled again, worked, proved myself and then came out with a winning hand. If I succeed. I don't want to think about it too much, I'm putting it on here and then walking away from these thoughts because I admit I do want this, and I am only admitting it here. Now I am going to bed and I shall say no more on the subject until there is something to say.
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