Tuesday, 4 August 2015

I'm done.

I'm stood with bare feet, and all around for as far as I can see is broken glass and bits of barbed wire. Held above my head is a stilt like contraption, with my shoulders being the main foundation holding up a great weight. I cannot see what weighs me down but it is heavy and the burden grows as regularly something else is dropped onto the already teetering pile. If I move I sacrifice my feet, if I stay then I risk being crushed by the inevitable fall, or dying under the strain. I can feel the burden rocking, I haven't long to make up my mind. A person could run themselves mad thinking this over....

...I got upset today. I'm rather ashamed of myself for succumbing to my emotions but I guess everyone has breaking points and perhaps I'm just the sensitive sort who cracks more easily than others. I think on some psychological level I'm so focused on keeping it together when inside is turmoil that the cracks are actually deeper than I'd like to admit. It doesn't take much battering to smash me apart as the cracks have already weakened what's there. I've said it so many times, that I just don't belong here, it doesn't feel right. I can ignore those thoughts most of the time. At this moment in time however, a chisel has chipped away too many little bits of my resolve. My confidence has slowly but surely been draining away and I can see myself stumbling after it, clawing at what's left but it's like trying to catch smoke. I wish I was a strong enough person that this would never, could never have happened. But the truth is I'm not. One thing after another has chipped away at me, one burden on top of another has been thrown into my hands and I'm like a clown juggling too many balls, when I drop one I get ridiculed and battered down again. I'm battered down even if I don't drop one.

I never handled bullies well at school.

It's been so long I'd almost managed to forget but now as sudden as a rain storm I'm back there, twelve years old, miserable, isolated and mentally beaten down every day. I used to just put up with it, worse I used to believe most of it, occasionally reassuring myself with the promise that eventually I wouldn't have to put up with arseholes like that again. I should have known that arseholes walk next to us throughout life, not all of them grow out of it. Some people are simply programmed to be vicious, spiteful cunts. They victimize others to make themselves feel big.
I am not twelve years old anymore. I am not hideous and I am not stupid.
I shouldn't have to put up with this.

It's not just that, it's also the lack of structure. I need structure in my life, it's how I focus. I can't cope with these unreasonable conditions. These random demands. No set protocol, no real procedures. And then the vultures picking away at the carcass of my confidence.

I'm stood at the school gates, I've weighed up the odds. Fight or Flight. Could I come out on top if I stand up to confrontation? I know already the answer is no. I've watched others take up a fighting stance only to be torn to pieces. You tend to find even now, that Arseholes close ranks.
I shouldn't have gotten upset today, even though it was in private. I shouldn't have let myself hit this point. Now I'm furious with myself, angry that I've let people put me down, and that my inner twelve year old has listened and believed it. I promised myself I'd stop being that girl.
So now I'm done. It's time to get moving. It would take a momentous alteration to make me change my mind now. I'm just done.

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