Sunday, 18 October 2015

Big decision

I've got a big decision to make at the end of this week. You see, as my previous blog posts have discussed, there's a particular area of my life at the moment that's not going so great. In actual fact it's depressingly awful, not the Monday Morning again kind of awful, but the I'm feeling sick every day and lying awake at night because I'm dreading what bullshit will be thrown at me next.

So here I am, I've been holding this off for three solid months, every week getting progressively worse. I'm on a bridge, on this end is where I am now, unfortunately there isn't yet anything on the other end, so the options are:
Option 1.) Stay on this end, unhappy, badly treated, in a position that's having a continuous detrimental effect on my health and mental wellbeing, also my personal life since I'm coming home every evening feeling like crap and its impossible to hide OR
Option 2.) Jump over the railings, back in the water again.

The Pros and Cons are fairly simple:

I don't want to be poor again. I like having food of my choice, the good razors and the heating on.
I also like having a purpose to each week, I actually liked what I was doing. I just have a massive, mean, bullying CUNT ruining it for me!!
Sorry...Dickhead and Arsehole are just too good for this Fat, Misery-inducing rodent! Urghhhhhh!

On the flip side, I'm being made to question my own competencies daily, when I'm only following the instructions I've been given. I'm being treated like I'm four, talked to as if I am scum scraped off the bottom of a shoe, while all my hard work and extra effort goes overlooked. I feel like I'm being down right bullied by someone who simply doesn't like me very much. There's no genuine reason for this. Maybe it's a psychological issue this person has, they've honed in on me as the weak link and they enjoy demeaning people who are easy targets. Maybe he's just a dick who gets off in making women feel inferior and pathetic. Some men are like that, I've met them before, in my opinion they're one step away from the kind who get heavy handed with their women.

I don't want to keep waking up every morning with this sick churning in my stomach and this constant headache my doctor says is all stress induced. I work hard, I do a good job. I would have been loyal if I was treated the way any person should be, with a modicum of respect. I can't appeal, I can't fight against this within the system, the system is corrupt and the warzone so small there's nowhere to hide. I can stay and continue to suffer or leave and risk entering the unknown.

So here lies my big decision. I wouldn't be contemplating this if I wasn't on my very last legs.
Jones says one day it's going to work out for me. He wants me to get this next book finished and published, he see's me doing great things. He wants me out of that (Quote): "shit hole" just as much as I do. His unshakeable support is amazing. He see's something in me I don't think anyone else does, I definitely don't know what it is. He seems to have so much faith in my ability when I have so much doubt.

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