It can creep in unexpectedly, at the most random of times, slithering it's way through your entire being: Self Doubt.
I wonder at myself for letting it in, but it's impossible to ignore. Those moments of insecurity arrive and settle in, pouring themselves a drink and laughing at my expense, the uninvited guests at my party.
Suddenly my weight is on the wrong side of the scales, my makeup cannot fix this face, all my clothes that looked fine before seem to now show all the bad bits. I doubt my confidence, I doubt the feelings of my partner, what's he seeing when he looks at me? is it as bad as what I'm seeing right now? Have I been kidding myself during the past times that I've felt happy with myself? Am I overweight? Is my hair too dull? Is my face ugly by the high standards of the day?
At these moments it's easy to turn to the baggy jeans and jumper combination that hides away everything I suddenly feel ashamed of. But I say no.
No to perfection. No to unrealistic ideals [Insert any model in any media medium]
I turn on an emotive song, for example: "All About the Bass" Meghan Trainor
I crank up the volume meanwhile realising I actually know all the words to this one! wow
I dump whatever I'm wearing and slip on some decent underwear, for example: Hot pants and a little help from Anne Summers.
Then...I dance in front of my mirror, half undressed and carefree and what I see is what I get and there's nothing wrong with that because "Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top!".
And I tell myself any man would be lucky to have this because not only am I nice enough, real and well groomed, I'm also a good person who cares. "I see those magazines, working that photoshop, We know that shit aint real, come on and make it stop" It's hard to big yourself up when you're feeling crap, but if I don't do it, I can't expect anyone else to. I have to rely on myself to gain confidence. "I won't be no stick figure, silicone Barbie doll" I'll continue to be real, and continue to fight against myself to believe that this is ok.
Then I finish my boogie and sit down to right this blog because I know there's another woman who's feeling the same tonight.