Saturday, 2 August 2014

Car's out of Gas

So my guidance coach/case worker from the Job Centre has emailed me a very suitable role for me to apply for: Tyre Fitter Vacancy at Mechanics for Us.
If this wasn't so crushing I would be getting a good laugh from such a ridiculous idea. On top of that he also thought recommending a list of apprenticeships requiring an NVQ level 2 in engineering was a good idea. I've graduated with a degree in Writing, by some miracle I trudged through three years of boredom and stand still life and this is what I'm reduced to. Some skinny runt of a loser telling me I'm worth no better than a garage job clearly unsuitable for someone like me. Not that I think women can't work in garages, I'm all for equality but for gods sake I'm sat here typing this with curlers in my hair and I'm looking at my paintings thinking: I'd never ruin my artistic hands by lugging pistons and gear shafts around, fitting tyres and climbing around clumps of metal.

I do keep ticking over various ideas in my mind because the chance of actually getting a library job or heavens above something in publishing well those chances aren't just slim they went down with the Titanic. I have considered what I'm good at in life: I can paint and draw, I can write creatively, I'm good with people and customer service but there's no way in hell I'm spending my life serving customers. I am great with the kids. I can tell a good story. That's all I've got really.

My sister in laws think I should train to be a nursery nurse, which is something I have considered. Its just to do that it means raising the time and money to do the course and then what a waste of a degree. I could have done that after college, I should have done that maybe.

I want my own home, I want to be able to know there's always food in the cupboard. I want central heating that comes on whenever it's cold. Am I asking for too much really? Someone employ me in anything tolerable and I will be the hardest worker you have. I am good at working hard, I'm good at saying Yes. I don't want the last three years to be a waste. I desperately want those who are telling me to apply for any old crap to piss off. I'd like to see them study for three years and it be for nothing. Just breathe, I'm just ranting. I'm not upset not really, I'm not even all that offended. I'm not even lost. I know where I am, I know where I should be. My cars just out of gas that's all and I can't get there on fumes.

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