Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Two sides. One halves always bigger.

I'm beginning to get extremely annoyed with some of the people in my life lately. It's not that I can't take a joke or anything, I'm a fun person, but I still feel like I'm the butt sometimes, like I'm not good enough or something. I am overly mature for my age, I like things 20 year olds don't and 40 year olds do, but I'm happy. I am getting my future in order, or at least the basic plan, 'winging it' only can go so far. After uni I need to start a career, have a stable income, start saving. I don't see what's so awfully boring about that. It's all 'ha ha' jokes at my expense and mildly bored expressions, where's the support? The belief? I am getting more and more irritated by the feeling that I'm surrounded by children, and it's the people that don't grow up who I'll end up leaving behind which is a shame but its inevitable.

When you know a person very well, you're not by any chance going to love, or even like EVERYTHING about them, but I have two very distinct sides. I'm a Gemini it's natural, I have the midsomer murder, knitting and crafting, Neil Diamond, cosy comfy let's have tea and cake side...which is my favourite. And incidentally this is the side I am more of when in a committed relationship, because it's more me, and its easier to be this person.

Then there's the other side, the daaaark side lol! as if
but there is the lets get drunk till the rooms spinning, dancing like a slut in a pair of shorts side. The more carefree, 'wing it' side. I am only ever this in 3 occasions 1.) I am showing off, usually with a drink. 2.)I am single and heartbroken and getting one leg over the 'I don't care' neon sign. or 3.) I have failed something perhaps an exam and Taylor Swift's song 22 comes on, usually with a drink.
More people asked me out when I was single, why? so they could try and get in my knickers? or try and get someone else in my knickers! Helloooo! I stayed a virgin for 5 years while with someone! casual was never going to happen.
Look I'm the same person, I'm just being MY favourite side of myself. I don't have anything to prove anymore, I don't even know what I was trying to prove. A year ago I wanted to feel ok, because I didn't, I wanted to look on top of the world because I wasn't. I was buried six feet under the mass of broken dreams and hopes and my heart. I spent a long time trying to dig myself out and look great in the process. Doesn't anyone understand it was all my way of coping, of trying to cope. It's been exactly a year this month, since K.H and my god I feel amazed at what I've done in my life since.

I think when I was doing the 'I don't care' faze, filling my calendar with everyday events and people just for the sake of it, I was trying to prove I could be the fun, carefree young person that people expected and then the Keyholder would see I could be the person he thought I didn't have inside me. Well things are different now. Well I'm just really good at lying, I have said it a thousand times, I'm a great liar/ actress is a softer word. I'm really glad I had those months of craziness because I appreciated myself more after. It was all so mentally exhausting. When I met someone I could be my real favourite self with and who loved that side I fell so easily back into being me. I am happier with myself now, I haven't got to prove anything to anyone, but in the process of all this I proved to myself that I like who I am, and the right people will like me too. 

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