Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Recent Nightmares

I keep having nightmares that I'm in a situation where a young child needs saving, and the child is always different. Sometimes it's one of my nieces, other times it's a character from a movie or a complete stranger. I always seem to fail. I'm so close to getting through the door with them in my arms, or I've almost reached them in the shadows and then I wake up and my mind is clinging desperately to the scattering remains of the dream as my body registers the bed and the light from the window.
I've had these dreams several times now and with the way my days have been going lately and the waiting room I'm imprisoned in I've started wondering if my subconscious is crying out. I spent an hour and half this evening putting 100% effort into something that made me feel small. I'd be lucky for it to lead anywhere, that's what I can hear my own stupid voice saying, but I wanted more than this. Part of me hopes it doesn't lead anywhere, because if it does I'll be obliged to accept something that makes me feel insignificant. It's not writing, it's not Grace, it's not even close to making me feel worth something. A graduate for less than a week, and this is where I'm already heading it just feels like I'm losing part of my soul, the important part, the bit that generates my happiness.
Part of me wants to curl into a ball inside my blanket with torch and book. Part of me wants anything, anything at all to give me a chance and help contribute towards my future. Part of me is thinking that child I'm trying to save in my dreams, who I can never quite reach, who I can't protect, is actually me.

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