Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Groundhog Day

I'm usually in bed by now, but I know I'm only going to lie awake so I figured I'd vent a little.
There's nothing I want to say I haven't said before, I suppose I've turned into a broken record like the days of my life right now. I feel as if I'm stuck in Groundhog Day.

It's just not fair, I deserve to be given a chance. I'm a hardworking person, a decent, respectable, nice person. Everything I want in life is simple and achievable for most, I just need a door opened to set me on the path and it's not fair everyone keeps closing every door I come up to.

You know I really was upset that day the Tiger let me down. I walked home up that muddy path which has given me so much inspiration in the past and I almost cried because I really wanted a job. Then the Falcons let me down too. How is it possible for these corporations to raise people up and drop them without a glimmer of conscience? This is the 'real world' we've been thrown into is it?

Since I was 10-11 I've been working to get out of here. Out of these four walls which I'm stuck in right now. I thought I would have at least gotten close by now but I'm still trying. It's sodding freezing. It's missing necessities. I can't stand the people nature has forced me to be with. I hate it here. I have hated it here for years. It's miserable and damp, everything is crusty and crumbling and the house seems to deteriorate anything good as if it wants to push us out. An earth quake happened here years ago, an earthquake! In England! Yes that's right and it ripped a massive crack through out road and the same crack travelled through our house into the back yard. You wouldn't notice it unless you knew but it's there still, monitored every now and then by whoever monitors earthquake effects. They mended the road of course but not our house. And I just thought, there's another sign! Another sign that these four walls are bad news. Nothing good comes from them, nothing good happens here.

It's getting harder to focus on writing my books when I'm constantly thinking about how awful this 'situation' is. If I have to spend another Winter here I think I'll go mad. I need a job, and not a 20 hour a week shop stockroom job but a real decently paid job for a university graduate. I could settle for less than the most miserable positions I've looked at but what would be the point? I'd get neither the experience or the pay rate to advance either my career ambitions or my home situation. I wouldn't even call this a home, it's a hole. Not a hobbit hole, but a dark dirty damp Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole and I'm getting dizzy and tired of falling now.

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