Friday, 7 November 2014

Weight lifted

If I didn't have that man in my life my happiness scale would be covered in dust pushed to the back of an unopened cupboard and would only tick miniscule fractions now and again. I love my family and the kids and I adore my friends but it's not the same.

Until yesterday evening I was wound up so tightly I thought I might snap in half if someone brushed past me. I was stressed out to the point I was overwhelmed and reduced to tears in the middle of the day. I'd barely slept lying in bed tossing and turning and fretting about my life. Then he walks into the coffee shop, looking like some gorgeous mob boss from Boardwalk Empire, there's something about that hat that really makes me notice his brown eyes...anyway, he walks in and I can feel this horrible coil of misery and confusion that's been building up inside for the last three days of being absent from him and having these pencil skirt days during that time has balanced me on the edge of a cliff.

I tell him. He's ripped the idea to shreds before I've even finished and is 100% I don't have to do anything I don't want to. He's not going to join those judgemental eyes or rattle any keys. He's the voice of reason, the voice I actually care to listen to. It helps to have the support of my friends and family, whose motto seems to be, 'do what's best for you' but it's his opinion that makes the final decision in my mind. I'm so utterly grateful that he's supportive.
Love, Respect, Mutual interests, Sex, everything else that is necessary to make a relationship a good one, is all rolled in there, but mainly... and I feel like this tops my list, is Support. He supports who I am, who I want to be, and the decisions I make.

I felt as if a massive whale of weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt this choke in my throat as if I was breathing again for the first time in days, and I know that it's going to be ok. It's very childish of me, but I'm the kind of person who needs that reassurance now and then, I know it will be because things work out alright in the end, but I still like to have that reassurance. "Everything's going to be ok." "I'm going to be ok." The way I can describe it, which isn't particularly creative, is when you're holding a box, a heavy box and you hold it for some minutes until that ache is in the crook of your elbows, and then you let it down and ahhhhhh, the relief as your arms turn to jelly in relaxation. That's the feeling I got when I was able to get it all out and have the support I needed.

(I didn't get the bus that came along, that's my decision, I'll stand out in the rain for however long it takes)

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