Wednesday, 18 September 2013

a soggy jigsaw piece

I'm a spare screw in a machine that works without me, I roll around pretending to be significant but that's all it is: pretending. A room full of people but I'm alone inside, forever withdrawn, always behind. I don't fit, like a jigsaw piece that got soggy in tipped over juice, it will never fit and look right now no matter how you push, but it should have fit, that's the tragedy!

Does it all stem from a physiological depth? I was born to a family where everyone was ten years my senior, I was forced into an early independence when I turned twelve and what I knew as childhood ended. Maybe I was just caught in the wrong time as I've often thought, maybe I really am just a boring and weird old person in a twenty year old body. I grew up too fast.

Several times I've wondered if I ever didn't pretend when I was with the Keyholder, did a day pass when I was really truly myself? I remember moments I began to come out of this shell but retracted so quickly, a snail faced with a million threats from everyday life. I was a liar, in every sense of the word, I lied to myself everyday. I've met someone who has seen almost every corner of my true self, the only person I have come across who understands me, and doesn't try to change anything. It's too bizarre for me to understand the way our paths crossed when they did, I've been waiting for this since I first knew what friendship was, and I knew then that the friendship I had wasn't the right kind. I was about six when I had my first friend and they didn't suit me, no one ever has until now.

It really puts me on edge, because this is too precious to be careless with, like a weak and lonely seedling it needs to be handled so carefully. I don't want to be without this friend, I've only felt this undeniable ache today, this moment. Before I was fine, I was strong and detached just enough but now I've hit the bottom of that well. I don't think I can be without you, I'd rather lock myself back in a cage then imagine letting go of this beautiful wonderful connection I've stumbled upon and grown to the stage its at now. I can't be without this, you're the other half I thought I'd never find.

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