Saturday, 6 July 2013

Being in love, too much. I swore this wouldnt happen

I swore to myself well over half a year ago now that I would never let myself fall so deeply again that I'd lose focus and control, I was so adamant that I wouldn't let myself ever become vulnerable like that again, because frankly the pain of being abandoned by your best friend is just too raw and too real an agony to face twice. I said I would remain in control, and always one step back, I wouldn't throw myself to the wind but stay steady and strong and withdrawn to an extent. I wasn't going to fall fully in love again, I would be the one who loved less and held back. I broke my own promise to myself and I cant quite figure out when this happened. Loving someone and knowing you're incomplete without them are two very different things, I was perfectly happy and content to feel myself in love and loved back, but this...this god awful burning like I've lived my whole life with him and not realised it, well it's pissing me off. This is a deeper sort of love than I was prepared for. I swore I wouldn't let this happen, I never wanted to lose focus and let myself become so attached that I risked the pain of not being good enough to keep again. If I could freeze-frame the last so many months and pick out the moments that past me by but clearly impacted on my heart I would scrutinise them until I saw what the hell has brought me to this.

I can't believe I was so desperately serious about holding back myself and my feelings just for love to get the better of me anyway. I didn't allow this! I don't want to be so much in love I can hardly think about anything else, I don't want to feel this lost just because I'm spending one day without him, it's not right to miss someone that much!! Some idiots think its soppy and cute, and what makes a romance, it's not! it's awful and I know it's too late to change it. The fear of falling has never scared me, it's the fear of hitting the cold hard ground and being left alone to bleed out that's really plaguing my mind. Is love supposed to make you feel this out of control? How did you let this happen Siviter? I swear a week or maybe more ago you were in control, and you were still if, and maybe, and perhaps, and you were withdrawn, not to a noticeable degree but still we knew we could walk away and be ok. that's gone now. I'd rather have my wings ripped out than walk away of my own choosing. I've definitely gone overboard, and I can't swim. At some point you've handed yourself over like a sacrifice waiting to be slaughtered...forever is just a word, and words mean nothing but the value the listener puts to them, which is not always on level with the giver, words mean nothing.  I guess I still feel like I'm not good enough to keep. Maybe that feeling will stay with me the rest of my life.

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