When I said I wanted to put my emotions a step or two back I meant it.
I just don't understand why it's so bloody hard to hold back. From the start this randomer has drawn everything out of me, extracting piece by piece with precision. I never meant for that conversation to go further than one night, nor for that first date to go so well or that I'd talk so much, I'm usually so quiet, or to give up my virginity in a few weeks like some pagan sacrifice! I didn't mean to fall in so deep, if at all! and this is all still exceedingly frustrating.
I enjoy everything too much. Not just a general spending time with this person sort of thing, but listening to every word, loving every simple touch, I'm still not used to the way things are now. I knock things over and it doesn't matter. I ramble on and he listens intently. I'm granted plenty of attention, I'm allowed space when I want it...I'm basically a well pampered animal. All the things over the years I learnt to be my faults that I tried to box away, they're what makes up the real me and I don't have to try and edit out anything from myself anymore. Which is great but it's also hard to get used to. The more I spend time with him the more of myself comes out and he doesn't seem to mind. It makes me question how long was I actually pretending to be someone I wasn't, and why did I ever lower myself to such standards.
I miss him on an hourly rate, just a general can't wait till I can see and touch again. I never missed anyone like that before. Its like I'm on sodding life support, and seeing him is my daily intake of an oxygen supply. Damn it I was supposed to be trying to reign in my ever falling emotions.