Shit why do you have to do that? Is it a man thing? Because I sure as hell don't know how to do it, how to say a few words or give a look or give a stroke that sends whatever soul is inside me quivering like crazy. Right when I know I'm in too deep and need to reach the shore you do something that pulls me in deeper. It's just going too fast ok! I never felt this much this quickly before, and years can fly by without you realising its wrong, this doesn't feel wrong but that doesn't stop me being cynical now.
I don't like the way I've become now. 8 months ago I was a walk around fairy tale, sickening with my Disney outlook on everything, but I was told a long time before that, a ton of bricks would hit me one day, and it did, it hurt. I felt the brutal harshness of reality and it's burned into me now. I can't help that a when is now an if, a yes is now a maybe, a definite is now a probably not. I'm not saying my belief in true love died, I still believe in love and sometimes it can last, but I'm hardened now. I'm prepared for it to end, to burn out and to crumble. I was turned into a cynic, but that will hopefully protect me in the future. I care about him much more than the last one, that's the truth of it, and that freaks me out. I hate weakness, and love feels like weakness.