Monday, 19 May 2014


It's my birthday in less than a week. Everyone keeps popping up asking what I'm doing on Friday like its the day I win the lottery! What am I expected to say? I'm getting older, probably getting a grey hair beneath the red dye as we speak, I'm another year closer to death for Christ's sake! Why should I want to celebrate that?
I'm awfully depressed about this birthday. Worse than I felt last year. This year I'm officially on the wrong side of 20 and it's going to be a few sleeps, a Christmas here and there before I'm mid twenties and dreading thirty like it's the plague. Twilight was shit wasn't it!? The whole storyline, Bella should have been with Jacob but I figured out why she gets with Edward, immortality, looking young FOREVER, well case closed really.

If this was Pride and Prejudice I would be regarded as getting on into a critical unmarried stage. Women were 'out' by 16 and married by '18-20' after 20 people start looking at you wondering if you're going to be an old maid!

I felt a lot like this when I turned 18. There were no woo hooing or balloons. I didn't even like the tiniest amount of alcohol in my drinks then so it was a pointless age really. That's when I composed my Bucket List. I felt lost and miserable, hating my first year of uni thinking it was a waste of time and not sure what to do with my life, so I wrote a list of what I did want to do and suddenly found myself feeling like a bit of an adrenaline junkie because I needed that shock to the system to remind me I was alive. This sounds terribly dramatic but I really was that bored. My skydive sent a sort of charge through me, a charge that seemed to last more than just the day. Indoor rock climbing was near to a similar charge when I was scared of being so high, once I got over the fear that faded. My hot air balloon ride wasn't an adrenaline shot it was more of a lasting memory experience. I suppose I'm one of those people that needs out of the ordinary experiences every now and then to shock me out of average life and make me feel ok.

I'm turning 21 and I have only a handful of things to show for the two decades I've spent on earth. I wish more than ever that I could at least say I have stepped out of this country, if only for a short while. My feet have never left UK soil, that's so awfully sad and it's not my fault. If I had ever had any money I could spare on catching a plane somewhere I would have done. So far in my life my money earn't and student granted, has gone to looking after myself, paying for uni, and paying for life in general. I can't even brag about having a few items of "I really want that" clothing because all my stuff is either charity shop or Primark under £15. The occasions I have been out clubbing I have guarded my money like a Gringotts goblin and spent the minimum. I have budgeted on everything. Every time I've saved something's happened and I've had to fork out for it. Even when I was working every shift I could in the early months of waitressing I had to pay my dad to pick me up and drive me home past 11 O'clock every night. I could have never afforded a foreign trip even if I'd tried to.

I am listening to my Bucket List song in the background: "Sitting on the Dock of a Bay"-Otis Redding. It's a brilliant song, one of my dad's that he used to play in whatever busted up old van we were driving in at the time. My second Bucket List song is "Run"-Lighthouse Family. Equally as brilliant. Both these songs make me think of driving along and going somewhere, I'm in that mood again. The sudden sparkle of sunshine and warm days isn't helping. I'm in that run away mode of thinking, as if I could run away from my birthday and just not get old. I don't feel like my life is very valuable, it doesn't seem to be of great importance to anyone (now that sounds suicidal, which I do not intend) but other than me who does my life directly effect? Nobody who wouldn't forget after a few weeks of my presence not being around. I don't even have a goldfish that relies on me to feed it.

I haven't built anything, or achieved anything yet. I have no legacy, I have no anything! I am going to re-evaluate my bucket list and see what's achievable this year. The answer is nothing if someone doesn't employ me soon. I wish I had a job just so that I could focus on something other than age. I hate having empty days now, Jones is hard at work and I have no university and no job, it doesn't feel like a summer holiday it feels like a damn waste, it's only been a week and a bit. I want a job for something to do until I am with Jones on an evening and weekend. When I'm in his company I am nowhere near so blue, I just feel content if we're in the same room, it's when I'm on my own that I dwell. I'm bored. bored, bored, bored. I need some substance. Writing my book is going great but until writing books makes me something whether it be money or recognition I wont feel as if it's contributing to my life as an adult. I need an income. I need it soon.  

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