This is rather ridiculous it's only been four days, I haven't seen Jones since Sunday night, but I miss him. I suppose if I was at work I would be too busy to miss him but as it is I'm spending my days researching jobs and applying while all the time knowing I have nothing to look forward that evening because I'm not seeing him. When on earth did what I look forward to the most become hanging around my Mr Jones's room? I'm sure I'm just hormonal or something, but when half asleep last night I got a text message from him that read "I miss you" I felt a complete and utter moment of misery before my head crashed back down. I was out cold for most the night but I woke up and felt the same. When is it that someone who you once had no idea even existed in the world suddenly becomes the most important thing in yours? When did I start relying on someone other than myself to ensure my happiness is intact? I have admitted one too many times that I fell and fell deep and I'm not happy about it. Love sucks, who needs it I say! But in love I am and that's that isn't it? Well I'm still not used to the idea and I'm still annoyed about the whole thing, I gather I'll be annoyed about it for the rest of my life should he always be in my life, and even he did sod off I suppose I'd still be annoyed. Annoyed that I was now going to prison for murder,
not really, I'd murder him, I bloody would. I'd rather spend my life locked up and no longer able to think about God without guilt then let that man be with someone else now. I suppose that's when you know its that crazy, can't eat, can't sleep kind of love. Well I can eat, I can always eat! But you see my point. I'm not openly the jealous sort, but I am rather possessive over what's mine. I am not much a fan of sharing, not my clothes, nor my food, or even my hairbrush. And he is mine, he belongs to me now and that is that. I won't budge on the subject.
This new job isn't all it was cracked up to be at first. Alternating weeks of late shifts and early shifts and every other Saturday is lousy. I would rather be with a pauper. If it were something he was passionate about and loved I would feel differently, as it is I know he's starting to grate at him shredding bits off and if he's unhappy I'm unhappy. Christ I might as well be married. Let's not go there, I'm feeling old enough as it is. When work stops you from leading even a semi decent social life it's rubbish, but when it stops you from doing anything other than eating and going straight to bed its damn right sick. I'll never be rich, I'll never make a substantial amount of money unless I became famous for writing. I don't have the killer instinct, nor do I have the tolerance for too much work. Not the boring, difficult kind that makes money.
When you're a child and it's a week before Christmas it seems to last a life time, Christmas eve lasts even longer. You get into bed while the sun is still up hoping you'll wake up and it will be morning. I feel like that now. I will see Jones for a few precious hours tomorrow evening and I will clutch at those hours like oxygen, but right now tomorrow feels too far away. I really am unbelievably annoyed with myself for being so utterly crazy about this randomer.