Thursday, 22 May 2014

The kitchen floor again

I woke up at a few minutes to 6am with tears rolling down the sides of my face. Big fat flooding tears. Within a second or two I felt my nose running an obscene amount and had to search for a tissue in the semi darkness. I couldn't stop crying for a minute or two until I calmed down and realised that what had upset me had been a dream, none of it had happened, the day I had dreamt about hadn't even come into being yet. My pillow was so damp I've had to change the cover. When I got out of bed and got dressed I had to put cold compress on my really pink poofy eyes to calm them before venturing downstairs, or risk my mother fussing and not understanding what's happened because nothing had happened, it was just a bad dream.
You think as a child, as a comfort to yourself, that when you're grown up you'll be too old for nightmares, but really the monsters just change form. They change from ghosts and dark demons under the bed into insecurity and fears of abandonment. I clearly have some deeply rooted psychological issues that I will probably discuss with a therapist one day, but for now they just seem to come up in the occasional bad dream.

The really strange thing is that I feel fine all the time, I don't show these insecurities, I don't voice them out loud to anyone. I don't even think they're there most of the time. I wouldn't say they effect me or my life on a daily basis at all. They certainly don't seem to effect my relationship with Mr Jones as that is all wonderful. But still, every now and then I sleep and in my dreams I am haunted by these visions and these real life feeling events that shock me to the core and I either wake up feeling strange and unsettled for the whole day, or it's worse, they've hit me hard and I wake up in a cold sweat of panic or floods of tears, it doesn't last long once I'm awake and I realise it wasn't real but for those few minutes of first waking up there I was again, lost and alone, sitting crying on the kitchen floor.

It's actually my birthday today. So now that awful moment has passed and I realise I am not left alone heartbroken and in pieces. I am happy, I have a wonderful life, I am going to hug Jones so hard when I see him later.

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