Friday, 30 May 2014

Three girls, a brick wall, a father who's not mine

There a three little girls I have in my life who I adore utterly and completely. I feel more than lucky to be a part of their lives, I feel privileged. I don't mention them a lot in my blog for privacy and protection reasons and for such reasons I will not reveal their ages or names. So let's call them Alison, Rose and Poppy. The affection and love I feel for these darlings surpasses anything I have felt for anyone/anything else, I can't imagine what I will feel like the day I hold my own child, if it's anything similar I am certain I'll pass out with joy.

These girls make my hardest day easy, they make the blackest situation seem bright and full of hope. There's no one I would rather be around on a daily basis. I wish they were mine. The love they show me unconditionally is overwhelming particularly in situations far more advanced for their ages. When I was broken up about the Keyholder their innocent shockingly understanding attitudes made the world of difference. I wanted to set a good example to them, I would be strong and pick myself up so they could remember it and take experience from me, so god forbid they end up with a crushed heart, they feel confident to do better for themselves. Today it was their beautiful faces that pulled me out of a dark cloud.

Today I hit a brick wall and crumbled at the obstacle. Because the obstacle is out of my hands, and it wasn't my fault. Maybe it is my fault, maybe I should force myself to keep a full box for a 'rainy day' but frankly most of the time, I hardly have enough for the here and now let alone thinking ahead to a maybe crisis. I've been trying everyday, every morning and every evening it's the first and last thing I do: Look. I look for an opportunity, for a chance to be more than what I was born into.  If no one has a little faith to give me a chance how will I ever prove myself?

I have no one to turn to in these situations, no one I'm comfortable to turn to. I may as well be an orphan for the support and help I receive from my parents is slim to none. Scratch's none. I have been looking out for myself since I was eleven years old, and it's so hard for people to believe. One day I'll write about it, in detail, and maybe that will be one of my best sellers.

Most people have the same idols, the people who they aspire to be like, most people hope and pray they are half such a person...but those two people for me are my worst nightmare. I have two people I would give my right arm to ensure I don't end up like. A waste of space and oxygen, and a selfish prick.

In contrast, my brother James, as quiet and as surly as he can be sometimes, is a pillar of strength and a beacon that shines 'It's going to be ok'. When has my own father ever said such a thing to me? or ever made me feel worth anything? or even safe?...never that I can recall. I can only hope and aspire to be as brilliant a parent as James is to his girls. He is the ideal of a father, and I can't help wishing, and have wished this before that he was my father too

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