Friday, 21 June 2013
Yes I'm praying online now, isn't that modern of me?
I don't pretend to be anything I am not, I am a good hearted person, who does what is right most of the time. I am not selfish or unfeeling, and when I'm able I do try to do my part in helping others. I am I confess a brilliant liar, a talent I adopted from my father, I also have rather recently succumbed to as the bible puts it carnal lusts and desires. I spent a long time being the innocent beacon of virtue, too much time really, to the point where I know I was ridged and guarded my virginity like a precious gem too easily shattered, I had a mental block to match my physical one and I refused to let it be broken, I really think I had some notion about forever keeping my virtue because once its gone its gone and I prided myself too highly on not throwing it away.
Well all that's changed now, forgive me, but everything changed. I feel as if I lied to myself and to faith because I am not some prude, I was not sacrificing anything by keeping myself to myself, I actually just hadn't felt the need or the desperation. Once I felt the right hands on me I hesitated only a moment really, I drew away for a second before giving in, not very virtuous of me. I was never a devout servant, that was some excuse I gave myself, I just hadn't been tempted by the devil at that point, once I had I did not care for anything but him.
So I have no offering to give, I once held virtue as if it were my saving glory and now that has gone and happily so, I cannot repent for that. I ask what I ask out of sheer desperation. I am on a path that is threatened to be flooded, I cannot swim, I have a fear of drowning, a fear that's been haunting my sleep more often than usual. I need to get through this. I once faced a similar trial, and I failed...I did not care because I pushed and fought and I found a way around it, I truly don't believe I can do that again. I am trying, I am really trying hard but that might not be enough. Get me through this, I'll manage everything else alone. Just get me through. Please.
Posted by Miss Siviter at 14:48