Friday, 14 June 2013

Life thinking again...

I'm struggling here. I have a year left before my life really starts, that's what I keep telling myself. I have this awful ache inside me screaming that I have only one way out, one thing that can possibly make everything fit together and put me where I am meant to be: my book
Grace has walked with me for so long it's like I've become more of her than I ever wrote her to be like me. I have to get my story finished, I need to get it published, I can feel all my life in that story and if it doesn't push me along I'll be lost. I won't know what to do, I feel like the balance of my life is on the edge and the only thing holding me from crashing down is the angel wings I've written myself. Nothing else matters in my world not in reference to me. just my books. They're everything. Jobs will come and go, university will end with whatever I've gotten myself, but even if my life crashes and burns none of it really matters to me other than this story. If it burnt to ash I would blow away in the breeze with it, nothing will ever matter to me more. Until perhaps I have children. 

I guess I'm just a bit blue right now thinking over these life choices. I won't say what they are but I have recently had serious longing for something I didn't think about much before. Maybe because it just wasn't a possibility or in reach but I am blissfully happy in one area of my life, and I strongly feel like I may have a new slightly different future ahead of me that might not take the time until I'm thirty to reach. I keep having dreams, and I'm never wrong in my feelings. I'm still the adventurer, I still have my b.list and I still have all my goals but I can't stop that other feeling now. I'm trying to ignore it for the time being but eventually, in a few years rather than a decade, I might have changed my course of life. 

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