Thursday, 24 April 2014


Ever wanted to break someone's heart? I know that sounds bloody awful, and I think only someone who has felt their life to be utterly shattered for a little while by a broken heart will think like this, but I mean it. I think it would be cruel and vile but part of me, the dark side everyone has somewhere, wants to crush somebody. I wish someone would fall madly in love with me, utterly and completely head over heels, can't eat, can't sleep, country song kind of love. Pine for me, think of me more than once everyday involuntarily, and be annoyed when they realise they've forgotten something because I was on their mind. I want someone to crave my company, miss me when I'm gone if only for a day, and wish that I was as crazy in love with them as they were with me. I'd like to know I had the power to crush and devastate them, it must be a massive power surge, a dominating sense of control. I never have control, and unfortunately I have been cursed in life to be the one more likely to fall in love than be loved. I'm 20, if I don't have 'it' now while in my prime I never will.

Once, when I was still single but I'd perked up somewhat, I put on a killer dress and I went out drinking with some girl friends, no one I was particularly close to, and this was one of the nights I felt uncomfortable and wanted to go home from the moment the night started. But I stood at the bar, my group were at a table and a chap came and chatted me up. I was mesmerised and genuinely thrilled but I wasn't in the most reputable of places, I wasn't in a ladylike dress, and this wasn't a gentleman.

However I actually let him buy me drinks, and I enjoyed it because he looked at me in a way I can't recall someone looking at me since. Maybe it was just that particular dress and the heels! His eyes were sleazy, that sleazy slow all the way down look, lingering for way too long on my tits, but he was early 20's so it was more sexily acceptable than most old try their luck perverts. I liked the way he looked at me, it was vulgar and obvious but I liked it. It's looks like that, when they lick their lips subtly as if their mouth has gone dry that really give you a kick, you suddenly feel as if you have some sort of power over that person, you could get them to do anything because they want you, I'd never really felt sexual until then. It gave me that confidence boost I was no doubt craving, I was getting thumbs up from one of the girls and when I got on the dance floor I was by now tipsy from shots, something I never did and I was conscious the whole time of him watching. You know I'm struggling to remember his name while writing this, I'm sure the last name was Davies. Something Davies. We left and moved on after a while and I felt seriously bad for reading out my phone number wrong to the guy, especially since I'd let him buy me some drinks, the group of girls said that's how it was done but it didn't feel right. I'd panicked the moment he'd asked for a contact, I felt like a bright red sign was going to flash above my head reading "never had sex before!" and I cringed inside. Who knows if I'd given it to him he might have turned out to be a darling who fell madly in love with me, but somehow I doubt it. The girl he saw was fake with a slut dress on and a felt as out of place as a comedian at a funeral. However the look on his face all night, and knowing he kept his eyes on me for so long was the push of self esteem I needed and it probably did more for me than anyone would ever realise.

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