I hate being hungry. The only good thing about being hungry is when you know you're about to stuff yourself with yumminess very soon. When there is no yumminess to be had, or even a stale cardboard like edible substance, well then being hungry is a torment. I'd rather hand myself than starve or die of dehydration. There's not even a tiny notch of butter or a slice of bread in these four walls to have a piece of toast. God I hate it here.
How do people live like this? I should have the answer to that question, I've lived here for the duration of my life and detested almost every moment that I can recall.
I remember the first time money entered my hand I knew I'd found the drive in my life. At 14 I was suddenly regarded old enough to babysit for my brothers kids and earn a tenner a night, once, usually twice a week and those two tattered and battered ten pound notes were like precious moonbeams captured and imprinted on paper, the first thing I did was go to the supermarket. I spent a little on food and stuffed my face with oven cooked pie and cake for afters. The rest I slipped into a money box and so I did every week, to save up an emergency fund. After a while I halved that emergency fund and took £40 shopping. Me and Jodie who were still close then went to Westbrom...my god the days when that high street seemed to have every shop a girl could want and a pair of jeans, a top and sunglasses came to £14.50! I brought home plenty of change which went back in the fund.
I gave up a high school social life for that babysitting job, maybe that's why I didn't take up smoking and drinking along with my old friends, while they were trying things out and hanging around Macdonald's like a second home, I couldn't afford to turn down the money. Every time my brother rang I couldn't resist what that ten pound would feel like in my hand, and if I did a double night even better! plus I got fed, allowed to help myself to his kitchen and the use of over a hundred DVD's. Peaceful and cosy and for what? taking care of a toddler and kid who were easy going and behaved for me no matter what mood they were in.
When I'm on the rough road of being broke again, which frankly comes and goes with the student life. I gave up the part time job to focus on my last set of studies, which isn't something I can regret even when I'm rubbing pennies because every spare minute I have to myself I am working, studying, researching, reading. I have a constant headache as of lately. I'll happily be poor for a while if it means I pass through this ordeal. But when I'm short on money I only really miss food. It's easily handled when you're cold without heating and running a comb through hair that's lugged without conditioner with two inches of brown root growth above faded red, but hunger, Christ hunger is a plague on the system. You can't ignore or forget when your stomach rumbles and feels likes it's ripping apart. I can't feed you yet because if I eat too early you'll only be starving later, the later you get something in the better you'll get to sleep. I get paid in a week, literally 6 days to go...then the first thing I will do is a supermarket run round for a weeks worth of glorious food and a trip to the chippy for a large portion of everything!
It's going to be absolutely amazing when I have a full time paying job and get a month of wages. No matter what it is, or if I hate it, when that money registers I'll think I have the best life in the world. I wonder how long that will last.