Thursday, 12 June 2014

Cinderella, no magic

Weighing up your options is never a pleasant experience. On some level or other you're admitting that you're doubting one option in order to be considering another. I think it's all about feeling like you're right for the situation, it's well and good having something you love and adore, it's easy to accept that you don't want anything else, but the misery comes when you don't feel up to scratch for them: the job that you're under qualified for, the house you can't afford to design properly, the person you're in love with.

Constantly feeling inadequate grates on you, it's a dark cloud looming over what could be a perfect sunny sky. Constantly wondering if you ought to jump ship and desert now and save the pain of the abandonment that's surely only so far away. Sometimes I think I should settle for something less special, less out of my league. I wouldn't be as happy but at least I might feel as if I were important to them, that they couldn't make do without me, instead I feel like I'm on eggshells, barefoot in a beautiful room where I don't belong. People are looking at me thinking, why is she in here? I feel like I'm at the Cinderella ball but without the gown, the slipper and the magic. The prince shouldn't be with me, I should fade away and accept what I always felt all those years wasted before: I'm not good enough for this.

I wish I had a window, just a glimpse every now and then into the future to see if everything's ok. Sometimes I feel so pointless, not so clever, not so pretty, not very special. I don't stand out. I feel sure it's only a matter of time before someone else who does stand out eclipses me, I'm a small star but no matter how bright I may shine I'm too far away for anyone to see. By the time my best twinkle reaches you I'll probably not be there anymore.

and so forth comes the tears, I knew they weren't far away.

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