Sunday, 8 June 2014

You stole my toy!

I dreamt again last night, about being abandoned. I really need my conscious to get over this. My dreams were an infusion of past and present, it seemed that I was pulled from one setting to another. It began with the Keyholder, half a memory and the faces of two girls who were to bring me torment and between them take what was mine. The faces changed, they morphed into the two most recent girls one of the same name who are successfully taking what I felt belonged to me. The keyholder became Brett and he left with his new ones, I was tossed to and from the different scenes. a shopping mall, it was raining and we headed to a taxi, I was with the keyholder again but I had no shoes, they were leaving me behind. The Keyholder became Brett again and I was getting confused. How could I run after them all with no shoes? I cut and scraped my feet on the pavement and as they bled I remembered my wolf, my bear, my daffodil. So many names I've given him in writing and I cried his name. In the dream I demanded to know where he was, why he wasn't with me? I remembered what was in the past and as my head made the distinction between past and present I woke up.
   Jones was sleeping soundly and had rolled over onto my side with an arm heavily on top of me, snuggling close. I lay awake a while grounding myself and clutched his arm possessively. I am possessive. When I'm in his bed it's worse than at any other time, this fierce almost angry emotion that he is mine.

I can't pretend that recent events haven't effected me, in such a way that I wouldn't really discuss with a person. I write it out and that is all. I am upset. I am deeply upset that I seem to have a habit of losing the men in my life. Am I being dramatic? I don't think so. I lost my brothers to their own families and became a little girl alone in  a house that was once full. I lost the Keyholder, and with him he took the Goosepack. He took Tom. Who I still think of from time to time and miss.
    Brett was the best thing and the closest thing I've had to being the man in my life since college, as the Keyholder and I grew further apart, Brett and I grew closer together. Meeting Jones didn't change that. Slowly but surely Brett's moved on, another man who I loved has been spirited away by two girls and the similarity of the past is sickening. I hadn't realised how the situations mirrored each other until I had that dream last night. It seems my conscious knew.

People grow apart, people change and wanting different things in life, aiming down different paths just means you have to accept things wont always be the same. I can accept that can't I?
I still feel this nagging in the back of my skull, the pressure of it threatening to crack the bone...he's going down a separate path, I should march back there and drag him back down mine! But that's not fair is it? That's me being selfish, because I don't want to admit that I couldn't hold onto another man in my life who's sodded off. I'm only twenty-one, and I feel as if another person abandoning me will be the end of me. My favourite toy has been stolen by another child. Getting it back with a fist fight isn't what worries me, it's excepting that maybe I've outgrown such toys.

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