Friday, 10 January 2014

Don't rebound. wait.

I could have settled for more than one easy, offered on a plate route, made some serious mistakes fuelled by low confidence and damaged pride, but instead I held my own, gritted my teeth, and accepted being on my own for a while. After hearing various gossip lately I am relieved that I didn't jump into a mistake just to feel a little better about myself, I waited for that bolt of lightening and it was worth it.

Low confidence means any flattery is well received, offers from various corners are absorbed into the cracks of a wounded ego and a broken heart, they fill you up and almost seem to mend the damage at least for a little while, but then they deflate, because all things without magic, or real genuine sincerity deflate and disintegrate eventually. So I'm glad I made that distinction when I was surrounded by daffodils: compliments and entreaties that although soothed a sore ache didn't knock me off my feet. I didn't run into a friend or two's arms. I didn't cry on any shoulder but my mothers, and I didn't jump into a mistake with some mediocre man who wasn't worth it. I didn't rush to a relationship that would be pointless and demeaning. I thought about it, I think every single, lonely woman who feels suddenly very insignificant in the world, must think about jumping on whoever turns up simply to feel worth something. I decided on a different route, I made the conscious decision to talk to whoever I wanted, to chat a few strangers up while I was out, I dated a few people for the fun of having someone new to go out with. I refused to enter into anything even remotely physical, not even allowing the intimacy of holding hands. To let myself get close to some dribble of a guy, even one gorgeous with a high paying job, one sweet and friend like-trustworthy, one possessive and desperate, I knew would be a pathway to ruin. Apart from the terrifying fear I had of admitting that I was a virgin, a fact that was my fault entirely, and a cringe worthy idea that I might never be able to go through with the act because just the idea made me uncomfortable, I knew no one met with my high expectation, my dream of the right guy for me, who would not mirror me, but at least interest me, and be interested in myself in return.

So I waited. I was prepared to wait a lifetime. I didn't want to settle, I wanted to be swept off my feet. The fact that my social circle knew the embarrassing truth of my (at the risk of sounding dramatic), abandonment, was pressing on me. I was craving to flaunt something, anything in the faces of those who had hurt me, dropped me, friends who had turned away from me. I wanted to convince myself I was ok by making a show of it to others...It wasn't easy to resist the urge, I shook myself, looked in the mirror and clearly said "You are worth more than that, and the people that matter see it, the right person will recognise it, don't lower yourself, just grit your teeth and breathe"

Breathe I did, every word that reached my ears, every sight I had to endure, every bad dream, every sad day, and finally it began to ease on its own. My heart, was it mending itself? Was I nursing myself to recovery?

I waited until someone struck me like lightening. Out of the blue where I wasn't looking, a fierce rainstorm of feeling. I waited to be knocked off my feet, wooed in the old fashioned way. I waited until I was wanted in a real, passionate vintage way, when it came to my personal doubts, my trepidation dissolved to be replaced by eagerness, excitement. The right person changed my attitude and thoughts with simple sweet gestures of affection and fantastic fiery passion. When I was so overwhelmed I forgot my boundaries and enjoyed the sensation of someone's company and attention in a deeper sense than mere flattery. That's when I let myself go.

You always hear the term 'rebound' well I don't agree with it, rebound is for weak people, people who cant be themselves with themselves, those who need someone else to feel secure and ok even for just a short while, rebound's are the cowards way to recovery. You can get over it on your own. It's not easy, but it's not always the easy things that are best for us. Wait, become yourself, learn who you are when you're alone again, then the right person, the right time will all come naturally.

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