Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Crying, alone, I hurt my foot.

I hurt my foot, it's bad. I ran to the car and fell and hurt my foot somehow, twisted or something....it's swollen up to the size of mars and it's murdering me with the pain. I didn't even want to go out today, I wasn't in the mood, I've been having nightmares for two weeks about running for my life and falling over and getting caught right before I wake up. Always falling over, I should have known not to run anywhere.

I'm sat alone and miserable now, in pain. All I want is a cuddle and there's slim to none chance of that. I can't believe how much this hurts. Did it hurt this much when I was 9 and broke my nose running into a wall, smashed my gum and poured of blood? I don't remember that pain, but this is brutal. I'm not sure if I'm crying more because it hurts so much or that I'm upset because I'm alone in my room and feel fed up and pointless. My book isn't flowing again and I'm lost, and all I want is some love right now. this hurts so much and I don't want to be on my own. Usually I'm fine alone ok, I can handle things alone, but I feel empty and confused and now I've hurt myself to the point of having to sit here with my leg bandaged. Why am I alone? I shouldn't be on my own when I'm hurt and upset, am I being childish?

Obviously there are things more important than me, whether its food, football, fun, raiding, families, everything. Usually I can keep my own company, give myself the affection I need but what is it about hurting yourself that makes you feel needy and pathetic? It's not like I even have Jim conjured up in my mind because my book isn't flowing and I don't know what's happening. I want to be cuddled until I fall asleep so my mind is taken off this feeling and I sleep dreamlessly. I'll forget about this awful feeling of misery in the morning, but right now I just wish I wasn't on my own. I shouldn't be on my own in this room, somebody should be here loving me. I don't care how pathetic that sounds.

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