Monday, 27 May 2013


What is this I'm feeling because I sure as hell don't know? Sometimes it's a feeling of falling, sometimes it's breathless and another times it's perfectly calm and acceptable. Then it's frightening, overpowering and suffocating and I want room to breathe, it's the most weird state of mind or heart I've ever felt. I'm confused by it more than anything. When I lay broken upon a cold kitchen floor, feeling like my world had walked out the door, it burnt my confidence to ash. I've always felt 'inadequate' and that moment confirmed it. Of course me and my friends and a few daffodils picked me up, brushed me off and I adopted the attitude of 'Screw it'...'Screw them all that can't accept this' Accepting yourself is the first step to freedom.

Thing is when you feel as worthless as that in a man's eyes it stays with you, like a tattoo branded in your skin. I started attending a fitness class, I diet now...small things but I hoped they would make me feel a little better about myself and they do. I guess what I'm trying to say is when you're best friend in the whole world walks away and says they don't want to spend their time with you anymore let alone their life it's going to crush parts of you that arn't replaced easily...when you vow to yourself that you'll never, ever let yourself so close to someone again because the pain is too cruel when they break away, just to meet someone who shines so brightly you can't see anything else. When you fall hard in a way you promised you wouldn't ever let happen, scrambling desperately to stop and not having the strength. down, down down, NO don't let this happen Siviter! It's too late, I loved you before I realised what was happening. When will I feel secure? That's what I ask myself a lot, because I've let myself go deeper than I ever did before, and the fear of that pain I remember too well lingers over my head like a sharp blade. I guess the other thing is that it's hard to accept something that seems too good to be real...Has God given me you? Am I lucky enough to have the real thing the 2nd time around? Really!? What makes me worthy of this? What's special about me that makes this make sense?

Past is past, what's been has been, what's gone has gone, I am fully accepting of this and wouldn't be any other way and although I'm a woman now as good as I'm ever gonna get, I still feel that twelve year old buried inside of me, I feel the memory of the hair hiding my face, I remember the crippling shyness, the uncomfortable, clumsy waif only one boy chose to look at twice. I left that girl behind as best as I could but the memory of not being good enough has always lingered. I wish it didn't. I'm not experienced in the world, or sex, or anything, I have no tricks up my sleeve, I have nothing on my side. I am me, and me alone. That's what I've been saying for a while now, but is that ever going to be good enough, good enough to last, to hold interest? I have a lot to be compared to, I know that, that's fine so long as no one expects me to shine brightly when I'm a leaf rather than a flower. I will always try my best at everything, I will always try to please. If I'd been born in another century I'd have been the kings servant not his lover, I'll try and be good at both, but with so much around to fade whatever light I have, is this ever possible?
What's going through my head right now? I don't even really know...other than that I feel inadequate.

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