Thursday, 18 April 2013

weird feeling won't go away

Depressed is a very over the top sort of expression but what else do you say? Unhappy sounds even more dramatic. I'm not really either of these things, I just have that bad feeling again. I woke up last night after unsettling dreams that evaporated almost instantly, and I was left listening to the almost supernatural sound of the wind, it was crazy wind, so hard and loud, howling like my wolf pack and I slammed my window on it, for once I preferred to be enclosed inside. It's been a nice day for me today, but there was blood on the moon, a half moon, a sign that troubled times are only half done with. It put me on edge a little, I just can't shake this bad feeling. Bubbles going to burst? Maybe...but I also feel a little suffocated already, just a tad. It took a while to become me and me alone, and now it will take a while to adjust to a new chapter in my life, like a new piece of furniture in a want this table, it's a nice table, and it's holding some of your favourite things in it's drawer but where do you put it? Not where the old one was, that would be pointless, but it's hard rearranging a room. I don't think it's all me you know, I think it's because everyone else is rushing through trying to pull me along and I'm trying to hold back and say "I'll catch you up!" You walk through a tunnel, and suddenly there's a light at the end so very close, and everybody wants to catch this light so they run into it and miss some of the journey, they forget about the tunnel and only see the light, but the light is just as hard to accustom ones eyes to as the darkness.

At work, in the supermarket, even in my room I'm finding myself physically a little breathless, it's hard to breathe and this may just be the heat that's creeping up, or it might be that I'm suffocating. With the amount of uni work and student stress I'm dealing with at the moment I've let my list slip, I'm putting it on the back burner just until my deadlines are over. My book: I don't know what to say...I haven't had the time to write, nor the inspiration. Apart from the odd poem and these passages, but my novel just isn't finished and I'm still lost in it.

I have no one to talk to about this. I don't. Not in all my friends and family... I'm in this weird, caged, stand still feeling alone.
Jim, are you there?
I could do with your company in my head right now...Grace is my champion, my fighter, she is me but stronger, Grace is my subconscious...but it is and always has been Jim who my subconcious talks to. Jim who I have in my head, and Jim who sort of offers the comfort to my mind I need when I'm trapped. I've been so wrapped up in the things in my life the last few months that I've not heard from Jim in a while, how can I explain? Jim and Grace are more than just my characters, they are parts of me...they are what I imagine my soul is contained in. I don't write my book, it writes itself, I just hold the pen. My mind is another being in itself, it is led by my soul, my spirit, and those things are ruled by Jim and Grace. I'm a gemini; a split personality. Half of me is real-it's Miss Sian Siviter, of England, the other half is fiction, it's the angel, it's the bird, it's Grace Rogers.

Talk to me Jim, what would Grace do right now?, that's what she'd do. Feeling suffocated, feeling out of control, Grace would dissapear. That's not an option, and I don't quit something because it's a little unsettling or even scary. I only quit when I know I can't succeed. I'm sure I have things to succeed with here. I just wish I had a map on this road. I've never been good with change, even at school changing classes, I adapt well but only with time. Jim anwser me, I need guidance. Come to me in my dreams, send me a sign...anything but for gods sake speak to me.

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