Monday, 3 February 2014


I'm unbelievably bored. The older I get the more I come to realise I'm the kind of person that needs to always have something in reach. To be able to see something and know its coming and work towards it. Not just the usual stuff, I'm not talking about exams and jobs. I mean fun. Adventure. Excitement. Discovery. I've been no where. I'm still going nowhere.

If I had money my life would be better. I'm so sick of people saying "money isn't everything" bloody well is. I could do things, I could go places. What am I looking forward to right now? Finishing university with an average miserable grade, getting an averagely miserable job. I understand why average people jump into affairs, and gambling, and drugs...because life can get so ordinarily boring. I know the grass is always greener on the other side but I don't even have a lawn ok! That's my mind set right now. I've often wondered if depression runs in the blood? I'm not depressed, that's too bloody dramatic but I'm lost.
 lost. lost. lost.
I have one way out that I can see and even that road is blocked.

I hate routine, I want to live a life where every weekend is full, and not with things I'm doing begrudgingly. I want to do my things. I know people who seem to have so much adventure and its all because they have money. You can't do anything when you're poor. I'd love to see France. I'd love to have that postcard in my scrapbook. I refuse to ever let myself be poor in the future. I mean it. I don't care if it costs me everything. I will not sink below the standards I'm going to set myself. I hate the way every free day I have is spent in the concrete walls of this city. I don't have the money, the ability or the opportunity to stray out of this cage.

 If I could drive I always said that would change. I could cry from the fact that I tried and rapidly had to cut that dream short and postpone it all because I cant afford to achieve such a basic accomplishment in life, because I don't have the money spare. Maybe the next time student money comes I should buy a single train ticket to anywhere and get lost outside of this cage, just for a day, just to feel alive and remember what it is to push past those boundaries.

Dreamers wait for something to happen. Doer's go out and make it happen.
"I'm a doer not a dreamer". -Who spoke those words? Was it really me?

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