so now I'm actually crying. great. and all I can do is write about it, I can't do anything but lie here, with a water bottle in bed with the laptop. Even this is difficult but I have to keep shifting around. Knees hurt when they're bent which is the worst idea because they lock after a few minutes which means its blue screaming murder to straighten them out, bets thing to do is keep them straight, but that is agony. Its always been agony, to have my legs stretched out when my knees are swollen. God I hate crying, its so bloody pointless. I hate everything about it, the fact that something is so bad you can't hold the emotion in any more, that it looks weak, and it makes me feel like a child. my tongue swells up, my eyes sting, my face goes blotchy and my nose runs. I am the most unattractive crier in existence. It's hard to breathe, so you sob gently. biting your lip trying to relax. I'm so used to my knees aching and burning every day, without fail everyday, there is never a day that passes they don't hurt in some capacity, it's a shock to my system when they're so bad I can barely stand moving at all. This wont last, its been getting slowly worse the last hour and half, if I can get to sleep and sleep through the night I'll be fine. easier said then done. sleep through this is almost impossible. bloody nose is running.
I was thinking a few winters ago my hands and fingers started to really hurt: cramping, locking up, stiffening, they would hurt so much I couldn't use them, sitting with them underneath a water bottle I would cry a lot because the pain was so very bad and I wasn't used to it in my hands. But i was also frightened to death that it was going to cause damage, I use my hands to paint, draw, write, cook, decorate. I've seen so many examples of warped and deformed hands from the same arthritis i have and its sickening. They're the essence of life arn't they, do we appreciate our hands like we should? I was so scared I made the doctors give me stronger tablets, I started doing strengthening exercises. I've learnt to deal with that now and it rarely gets as bad as it did at the beginning. Until now i haven't felt that way again, it hasn't hurt that much since then. I better try and sleep. i seriously doubt i will. at least writing this out i have managed to stop that infernal crying.